camp

as you may have guessed from the title of this blog, i have a bit of a nostalgic streak. while my adulthood (up till now) has been relatively happy and worry-free, there's a certain care-free self-comfort i had as a child that i haven't quite been able to reclaim since adolescence reared its ugly head. not surprisingly, my mom's death has made me all the more nostalgic for the early days, long, long ago in the before time, when i thought my mom would live to one hundred and two, and all the world was a stage (or at least my driveway, the garage, the foyer, my neighbors backyard...) on which i was to entertain the masses.

for some reason -- perhaps it was the discovery of my 1986 camp olympia yearbook as i cleaned out my closet last weekend -- i've been especially fond of my camp memories. i went to camp o (as we used to call it) for 9 years... starting out as a wee 8-year old in shorty-shorts and ending as a pimply 16-year old with my oversize t-shirt tucked in only at the front. i had many a camp crush (one ending in my first bumped-nose kiss) and a few camp quarrels. i remember planning a skit for the talent show and designing a booth for "carnival." the notes i wrote home were often short -- a list of the things i'd done that day, a request for deodorant at 9 (because my armpits were apparently stinky), the declaration of the name of my new pound-puppy "melinda."

i also recall the anticipation of the end of the three weeks, when i would pack all my clothes and camp momentos back into my trunk. we'd wait on the tennis courts, trying to occupy ourselves with a game or activity, as we nervously looked for our parents amongst the throngs of "old" people flocking the camp grounds. i was always so eager to see my parents after three weeks away. eager to show them the tschotsckes i'd made in arts and crafts and the bunk where i spent my nights. i had had my fun, but now i wanted a hug from my mom and a kiss on the nose from my dad... to be home. it's now three weeks since my mom died. i feel like i should be seeing her again... i feel like if i just go back to camp and wait on those tennis courts, she will come back for me with a big smile and a warm hug. she always did before.

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m.i.a.

i'm sorry that i've been missing in action. unfortunately, it has been for a very sad reason. my mom passed away last week. i left new york to be with her in mid-November when she was in the hospital getting her feeding tube. unfortunately, the feeding tube was only the beginning of her worries. the feeding tube never worked, and many other things started to go wrong. it turns out that there were many tiny, sub-radiographic tumors surrounding her organs causing strictures throughout her bowels and fluid build-up in her abdomen. she ultimately died of a cerebral hemorrhage... quickly and relatively painlessly, but long before any of us ever wanted to see her go. she was a treasure of a person. looking back, i'm not so sure she wasn't an angel. she loved every minute of every day and took pleasure in other people's accomplishments. she was never thoughtless or petty... just warm, caring, and joyful. i honestly can't think of a mean or selfish thing that she ever did or said... i'm sure there were a few times she had been pushed past her limit, but they were so rare and inconsequential, i can't bring them to mind. i hope that everyone has someone in her life who loves her as fully and unconditionally as my mom loved me.

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back... for now

well, if anyone is still checking-in, i am alive. i have been in houston for the last 12 days. my mom was in the hospital for half that time. needless to say, it was a rough 12 days. my mom had a feeding tube put in over two weeks ago and has yet to really use it. they ended up having to put in a central line (a catheter that goes straight to a primary artery), so they can feed her intravenously (TPN). she's gotten back a little energy, but she has a long way to go. the tpn is only a temporary fix, so we're hoping her digestive system will start functioning again soon. if not, she gets to go back in for more surgery in the hope that they can open up some of the obstructions in her bowels. honestly, i'm petrified... and i feel like my insides have turned to eggshells. i'm not quite sure how i am functioning at all... but here i am, back at work... still breathing, still eating, still sleeping on occasion. i hope everyone had a lovely thanksgiving... there is always so much to be grateful for, even when life feels like it's at its worst.

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strange doings

so, apparently, a bird-watcher from my home state took it upon himself to defend the endangered piping plover from the dangers of a hungry white and gray tabby by shooting the feline with a .22-caliber rifle. nice. now, as you know, i'm as big a fan of the birds as almost anyone, but since when was it okay to hunt cats?? cats are fuzzy and cuddly... if anything, they should be brought into your home and showered with love and squeaky toys... wouldn't a few well-placed containers of fancy feast have done the job without the expensive fine and trip to jail? anyway, i love that this article made it to the nytimes.

oh, on an entirely unrelated note, i found this frightening game that shows you how many earths would be necessary if everyone on the planet lived like you do... it's like "inconvenient truth" -- the game! ok, i need to go now and fly to houston... that'll cost me like 1.3 earths right there.

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coming clean

so, in february 2006, i started a secret blog... mil knew about it, but i didn't tell anyone else. i just wanted a place to record my thoughts on a certain subject i wasn't quite ready to talk about in such a public forum as this. mil and i were making plans to start the process of increasing the size of our little family. we didn't actually start... ahem... trying till much later in the year. unfortunately, almost a year later, we're still trying. i'm admitting this now because a) a little comment snuck onto this blog from my various perambulations around the infertility blogosphere and b) it's infertility awareness week. while it's not technically "infertility" until you've been trying to get pregnant for a year, i think i will be a member of this unlucky club any day now. and it kinda stinks. lately, i've been reading far too many blogs written by women (and some men) dealing with infertility which has given me some perspective on the medical and emotional aspects of this wonderful condition. it's amazing the amount of money and heartache you can go through just for the hope of having something that comes so easily to almost everyone else. though we will likely have to tread that path soon, we've decided that given my mom's illness and mil's busy school schedule that jumping into the world of medical diagnosis and treatment is not for us right now. instead we will take a break, collect our thoughts, and check-in with the doctors when things slow down a bit.

anyway, i'm still rather shy about the whole thing, so for now the other blog will have to remain somewhat secret, but there it is. it's out there... in public. you can count us among that 12.5% of couples who have trouble conceiving. yay us!

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rainy day

the last two days here have been gloomy and rainy... yesterday, i think i spent 7 hours sitting on this very couch alternately working and reading blogs. you can just imagine how productive i was. mil came home at 10pm, and there i was... still on the couch. he wondered why i hadn't picked up the mail... um, because i haven't left the apartment in 10 hours... that's why. you'll be proud of me though. i did do some yoga. i'm loving inhale on oxygen. i highly recommend it if you're like me and prefer not to leave the comfort of home unless you absolutely have to but feel guilty if your heartrate doesn't rise above 60 bpm for over a week.

so lately, i've added daily kos to my google reader for a little extra edumacation. while there are far too many posts for me to keep up with on a regular basis, this one caught my eye. i have read quite a bit about the 2008 democratic primary (as a side note, can i say: 2008... so close!!), the iraq war, rendition, global warming, but i haven't heard as much about the surface mining of the appalachian mountains. unfortunately, i don't know many people in appalachia, but i can't begin to imagine how this is affecting people in the area... having the beautiful, green, leafy mountains decapitated... left desolate, barren, and brown, leaking toxic sludge into the native rivers and streams. your fall hike or summer camping trip, cut abruptly short by the tragic disappearance of the mountain you visited every year since your childhood. clouds of toxic dust drifting down from the mountains that used to provide fresh, clean air. its amazing to me that i've heard so little about this from major media sources... and that for decades our government has allowed coal companies to batter and destroy one of our most beautiful and bountiful natural treasures.

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dangerously addictive

free rice

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sweet jiminy christmas! i'm sorry for that downer of a post. i've been a little masochistic of late. my mom had a bit of a downturn in her health, and i haven't really wanted to talk about it in any other setting. for some reason, i get really defensive whenever anyone asks me how my mom is doing. like if i say she's doing anything less than "okay" i have to go into the whole thing... and the whole thing just hurts too much to talk about. i don't want to bring people down. and so far, things really aren't too bad. my mom has had some digestion problems, but it's more likely that they are the result of her surgery early this year than the cancer spreading. of course, every time i think about it, i start to think about the worst possible outcome... which doesn't really make sense given that most of this past weekend i got to be with my mom... talk to her... walk in the woods with her... and to listen to her talk to me. there's no reason i should dwell on future possibilities when right now ain't too bad. yeah, it's been better, but i know it's been worse, too. no matter what, i am not going to be able to be with my mom forever, and every moment i spend worrying about the future is a moment that i'm not enjoying the present.

anyway, all good resolutions aside, i'm doing a little better. i'm watching "the office" (btw, season one was pretty dang funny) and reading my book... and now that the weather is turning colder, i am back in the mood to knit. i just discovered this amazingly fun knitter... it's a shame that none of you folks knit because this looks like it's gonna be fun.

fiction

i think i realize why i might be so addicted to this (not-so)little sci-fi series of mine. sometimes fiction allows you to explore times and places you would never otherwise experience... sometimes it offers you a glimpse of your own time and place from a perspective you hadn't taken... and sometimes fiction just takes you out of your own life for a little while. i used to be able to escape in my dreams... in my dreamworld i was someone else or somewhere else where my mom wasn't sick. but now my mom's cancer has infiltrated my dreams. i dream of her dying. when we got back from germany, i had a dream where i remember saying to my dad, "she was so healthy when we were in germany, but she was never the same after that." i couldn't shake that line from my mind after i woke up. the next day, when i asked her how she was feeling, she said she was okay, but a little "uncomfortable." this was the first time she hadn't felt well since she stopped chemo several weeks before. shortly thereafter, she went for a series of scans and bloodtests that showed that the cancer had progressed... some, but not much. she was allowed to start anvirzel -- a non-traditional cancer treatment that is in clinical trials -- which she could start at home, to see how that would go. we were hopeful. since then she has felt more "uncomfortable," and sometimes downright crummy. after a call to her doctor this morning, we learned that her tumors might be interfering with her digestion again, and she should probably get back on chemo asap. i try not to be superstitious, but i can't help but fear that my dream was an omen. i keep crying whenever i think about it... and all i want to do is pick up my silly sci-fi book and escape to a world where all they have to worry about is the keeper of the dead banishing all life to the underworld.

happy 33rd babycakes!!

my mil is 33 today. hard to believe when you see him in a crowd of 20-somethings. his backpack and buzz cut are the perfect camouflage for his wisdom and maturity... well, "maturity" might be a stretch, but he sure is cute... and smart!



i'm sorry to be a bit flaky with the posting of late. i wish i could say that i'm up to exciting things, but it's really just this series of pulp sci-fi books i've become addicted to. i'm on book 2 of 12 (and each book is about 700-1000 pages). i would tell you what i'm reading, but i'm just too embarassed. the guy on the back of the book looks like a total sci-fi snob (pony-tail, black shirt... angry look on his face...) is it strange that i want my authors to look nice and approachable? is a smile too much to ask?

moopinions

i'm sure you were depressed by the lack of political "dialogue" here lately. i know many come for my insightful and provocative political discourse... well, today i shall appease. today, politics comes to my doorstep. my stomping grounds for the last 12 years have been taken over by armed secret-servicemen, nypd, and, of course, a field of protesters. where am i in this? safely ensconced in my medieval dungeon/fallout shelter, untouched by the hullabaloo above. this safety (and soundproofing) doesn't protect me, however, from thoughts of what goes on outside. as i rode the subway up here, anxious about whether the security guard would accept my 2-year old student id (thank you for your concern -- he didn't even blink at the "2005" sticker), i puzzled at my unusual ambivalence about my university's invitation to a certain iranian president. many are up in arms that such an offensive, callous, anti-american, likely insane, and definitely dangerous political leader would be invited to an academic discussion on an american campus. i agree that the man is atrocious in his words and actions which have led to bloodshed the world over. i cringe that this invitation from a ivy-league institution will be added to his list of accomplishments and honors. i am saddened that some will see this invitation as a reflection of his worth and international esteem. at the same time i worry that the united states has become a victim of its own ignorance. in our fear, we have put up a wall between ourselves and the rest of the world... especially the middle east. bush was able to dupe most of the country into believing that saddam hussein was the leader of al qaeda because the american news and american educators seem to think we don't need to know what is happening in the rest of the world or hear perspectives of those who don't agree with our leaders. that said, i don't believe that ahmadinejad will say anything new or genuine on his visit to columbia today. as usual, he will dodge the truth and claim innocence where there is none to be had. he will puff himself up and avoid difficult questions. but he will have been given a freedom here that few in tehran can enjoy today. the freedom to speak even when your opinions are offensive to the people of that country and contradict those of our leaders without fear of retribution or censorship. perhaps i am naive, but it seems almost impossible for there not to be a little understanding gained from this experience. a little knowledge to be gained both by us and by him....

ok, i just stepped out to hear the man himself. it was interesting. apparently, they have no gays in iran like we do here in the states. i would write more, but after an hour and a half of writing about and listening to the ahmadinejad talk, I should get back to work.

german mosquitos

after one week in germany, i can tell you, with great certainty, that germany has a lot of mosquitos. i thought houston had a lot of mosquitos, but those puny houston mosqitos have nothing on the larger, darker, german variety. five days later, i can still point out every bite i received as i attempted to sleep inside of my cozy featherbed. my dad even went so far as to buy bug spray for us to wear at night because they also don't seem to have air conditioning in germany. it is therefore necessary to sleep with the window open to avoid melting underneath your featherbed.

despite the nighttime air attacks, we had a wonderful time in germany -- marred only by mil's absence. the moosk clan (sans mil) boarded a evening plane to germany last week in order to witness the nuptials of our german cowboy cousin. the wedding was a 10-hour affair replete with log-cutting, plate-smashing, butterfly-releasing, horseback-riding, disco dancing, and of course plenty of drinking -- these are germans. the highlight was the midnight balloon release (trying not to think of all the red balloon carcasses that would be littering the hilly countryside the next morning), accompanied by sparklers and a hot air balloon release (a mere kilometer from the local nuclear powerplant). unfortunately, i had already put my camera to bed by that point, so i didn't get any photos... it's unfortunate.

the rest of the week was spent visiting relatives and eating... lots of eating. i figure i can recreate the entire trip for mil by taking him to hallo berlin and feeding him meat and spatzle until he explodes. for your non-gustatory enjoyment, i have made a little flickr slideshow of the trip here.

cake

i like cake... though after four days of picking at the same cake, i'm almost ready to see it go. this is mil's "happy first week of medical school" cake. doesn't it look delicious? wouldn't you apply to medical school just to have a taste? of course you would.

i'm still hard at work trying to figure out where we're going to live, and mil is still hard at work trying to keep his head above that steadily growing pile of books. apparently medical school isn't all that easy. go figure. i'm doing my best to be a happy, supportive wife, but for those of you who know me well, you know it's not always easy for me to keep my mouth shut... "you want to get up when on saturday morning?" it should really be illegal to set an alarm on a saturday morning unless you have to catch a plane. it's just plain wrong.

while mil and i tough it out in the hot and grimy city, my folks are off to italy for a week of homemade meals and wines fresh from the barrel. after the last few months they deserve the vacation as much as anyone could, but i wouldn't have minded if they stowed me away with their carry-on luggage. but since that didn't happen, i guess i'll have to satisfy myself with this leftover cake.

i just don't know anymore...

i'm sure most of you saw this video... and this op-ed... both are painful reminders of how poorly planned and devastatingly costly this war of ours is. i'm not sure what to do with this information. i feel like all my cries for an end to the war or at the very least a level-headed, efficient, non-politically-motivated effort to reduce the human cost of the war fall on deaf ears. i'm sick of the politics... the back-scratching and party-line-toting that have overrun congress and the white house. we need a solution, and no one seems prepared to accept that there is a compromise needed... we will never "win" this war in any sense of the term. the mistake has been made (despite many american outcries long before this started), and now it is time to cut our losses and to give the iraqi people whatever security we can without entrenching ourselves any deeper into the problem. i recognize that i am not the best person to come up with this plan, but I believe that there once was a team of politically-diverse, international policy experts charged with coming up with a plan. nine months later it seems their plan has been resolutely ignored. almost like the war itself... i guess it's just much less depressing to talk about the mortgage crisis.

alone...

so, this is what it's like being married to a med student. so far it's been two days, and i'm already lonely. sad, right? i was a happy single woman -- i'm sure i can find a way to be a happy med student's wife. it's just weird when you're used to talking to someone... oh... six... seven times a day, to suddenly hear from him once and see him only briefly as i drift off to sleep. it stinks. i have dreams of taking up painting again and maybe tae kwon do. but so far, i'm supposed to be finding a new place to live. problem is, the market is nuts. despite all the mortgage upheaval people are still rushing to brooklyn to buy places. and the rental market is even worse. i don't know what the heck we're going to do.

the good news is we have a car. crazy, right? we have a vehicle that could whisk us away from manhattan ta a moments notice... well, assuming that there's miraculously no traffic. needless to say, we're very excited. now i just need a place to drive it.

hi!

remember me? moosk? i'm here... well, sort of. i'm typing into blogger at least. that's a start. things around here are a little roller-coaster-like, but generally good. mil is super excited about starting med school next week... we're getting a car (really!). i'm looking for a place to live in brooklyn. um... mom's still doing pretty well... she seems to have this chemo thing down (though that probably just means that they'll change something up on her next week).

yeah... so that's it. (i've also been reading harry potter and playing this... but let's pretend i'm doing more interesting things.) that's why i haven't had time to stop in here (or make plans to visit marblehead!). but, things will change. mil will start school, and i'll be bored and want to write (and visit marblehead)... of course then i'll have nothing to write about... but that's never stopped me before.

hello from slumberland

this last hour of work is going to kill me. my left contact lens feels like it has a small samurai sword stuck to the inside it that will not wash off no matter how many times i douse it with cold water. surely by now i look like that poor, pink-eyed kid from invader zim after all my poking and prodding. on top of all this i feel like at any given moment there's about a 50% chance that my head is going to come crashing down onto my keyboard in a fit of complete boredom.

i know i haven't written here lately, and, yes, tsk-tsk, moosk. my two loyal reader have now left me for good, i fear. there's no particularly good excuse for the hiatus. busy, work, travel, you know... and it's summer. who wants to think and write when it's summer outside? not me.

by now, i'm sure you've heard the news. mil has been accepted to "real" med school... you know, one where they award you an m.d. he's very pleased... especially since it was his first choice amongst the remaining contenders. i'm very pleased because it means i get to move to brooklyn and be closer to my small cluster of friends. this is especially good since i don't know how much i'll be seeing of good ole' mil once his first semester of med school starts. and while i enjoy izzy's company, i think a small amount of human socialization is a good thing.

anyway, back to the void for me... hope ya'll are having a happy july.

back from paradise

a & d on the kalalau trail
Originally uploaded by atb20.

we hiked. we snorkeled. we went on a boat trip around the ne pali mountains. and it was good.

we saw sea turtles, brightly colored fish, dolphins, flying fish, and a skittish little octopus. mil actually saw a shark, too, but i wasn't fast enough. the whole pointing and grunting thing just didn't work for me. if you're interested in the photos from the trip, i've made a little set here.

we're actually in houston now and still a little jet-lagged, so that's all for now...

can i tell you how hard it is to concentrate on work when you know that you're leaving for hawai'i at the end of the week? soooo hard. i don't know how i'm expected to accomplish anything. any tips?

btw, this is where we're staying for a week. i wish i could take a picture of my dank, deary underground office, but i think it would come up on wikipedia as "the complete antithesis of hawaii." 'tis that indeed...

back in the game

i've decided that it's time i get back into life. my mom's illness has taken a lot out of me since last december, but i can't let it take everything out of me. i know that i will have my ups and downs, but if i don't make the decision to live my life, no one else will pick it up and do it for me. i'm going to concentrate on making myself healthier and start focusing on what i should be doing with my life. i feel like there are two easy courses for me to take right now: 1) working with my father in real estate and 2) staying at cu... maybe finding a full-time gig. both have their advantages... but i'm not sure either is right for me. i still think about social work and how good it felt to be out there, trying to help improve people's lives. i want to make sure that whatever i'm doing, i feel like i'm working to make the world a little better.

in the same vein, i want to get back into politics. i left it by the wayside after the last election because i didn't particularly like working for moveon -- mostly because of my own fear of telephones, not because of anything they did. but cindy sheehan's resignation and the passing of this most recent war bill by numerous democrats reminded me of how complacent i've been. i haven't been keeping up with any of the back and forth on the various proposals to end the war, and i haven't been calling my congressmen/woman to let them know when i want them to vote a particular way. i have been focusing on my own personal struggles without remembering that many parents are still losing their children and children are losing their parents in an unnecessary war. why is the war still lingering on when 58% of americans are against it?

well, i hope my new resolutions will also mean i'll be posting here more. i've missed my own little place in the blogosphere... and my three loyal readers!

she blinded me with science

or should i say i'm boring myself to tears with research... that's more accurate. as you may have noticed, i haven't posted in a while. things have been fumbling along in my life. i've gone to houston several more times and austin once... and pennsylvania once. they were all good visits. two of the times i got to see lmsp. they still don't get much cuter.

mm... so cute.

things with my mom are ok... could be better, could be worse. she's had some metastesis to her liver (not good), but she's still feeling good and looking good which is great. she's convinced she's going to beat this thing, so we're all trying to stay convinced of that, too. heck, when you see her, it's really hard to believe she's sick at all. we partied it up for her 60th birthday (hence the visits to pa and austin).

now i'm just trying to sort through the various pieces of my life and figure out what's next. i'm pretty darn sure i'm not long for the psychology world, but i haven't figured out exactly what's next... it doesn't help that mil's on the waitlist for his top two schools, so who knows when we'll figure out where we're even living. meanwhile, the townhouse project has been moving at a snail's pace. we demo'd 3+ months ago, and we have yet to officially select our contractor... argh! in the meantime, my dad's started a project that might turn into something bigger and more full-time... we shall see...

lately the title of my blog seems more and more apropos. i don't know if it's the proximity of my 30th birthday or the frequent visits to houston, but lately, i've been thinking a lot about my childhood... and how long ago it's starting to feel. nothing in houston is quite the same as i remember it. my old high school has snagged up the few parking lots and grassy knolls on its property to build more "performing arts centers" and libraries... the scrappy little league field where i spent my elementary school evenings slurping down sno-cones is now chock full of fancy, well-manicured batting cages and ball fields. even the little 1950s grocery store where the minister's daughter and i used to spend our pocket change on packages of pillsbury cookie dough, has turned into a trendy little cafe. not to mention that a boy i went to high school with has moved into a house across the street from my parents... with his wife and child. i know i'm married... and thinking about having kids, but somehow it doesn't quite seem real until someone i haven't seen since i was worried about who i'd ask to "junior girls" or what happened on 90210 shows up in front of my parents house with a stroller.

i've said it before...

cancer sucks. i read that tony snow has had a recurrence of his colon cancer form 2005. and elizabeth edwards' devastating recurrence of her breast cancer is all over the news. before i used to just think, "wow, that really sucks for them." now i think, "how do they deal? how do they face cameras and act like things are good when everything important in life feels like its falling apart? what would i do if they tell me my mom has another tumor? one that they can't remove?" right now that's my biggest fear, and there's nothing i can do to assuage my fears... there's no way to prove a negative. most of the time i can distract myself with day-to-day life. i just spent a lovely weekend in houston with my parents and my brother's family... and that's really all i can do: enjoy my family as much as i can, and try to remember that there are no guarantees in life... and for now, things are good. my mom started chemo two weeks ago, and she's feeling better than she did before she started (she's still recovering from the surgery). she's been gardening and playing with lmsp, and we just got back from a spring walk in the city.

march

it's starting to feel like spring. i like that. i miss going outside for the fun of it... i miss outdoor cafes and walking in the park with my mom. hopefully the warm weather will stick around for a while. i need a little sunshine... if my skin were any paler, i would be translucent. i'm also hoping that the sunshine will get me out of this funk...maybe give me a little more energy. i'm also hoping the spring will bring mil some more acceptance letters. both of his interviews went well, so we're hopeful, but as we know, it's not just about the interview. so we wait.

i love my new banner

yesterday, i discovered these brushes through dooce that can do magical things with photoshop (which is magical to begin with). i managed to waste approximately an hour and a half of good work time playing with various photoshop filters and brushes. it's dangerous. i know only a couple of folks still come by here with any degree of regularity, but if either of you want a new banner, let me know. i'd love to make one for you.

in other news, i'm going to houston tomorrow. i'm excited because it means that the temperature will have to be more than 30 degrees. i don't even care if it rains the whole time... wait, scratch that. i do care, but it would still be preferable to this past week of "feels like 2."

yesterday, i was on the subway, and i saw something, and i thought... now this would be a really funny thing to write about on my blog... or at least somewhat funny thing to write about, and by the time i finished thinking all that, the original thought was gone. just like that. amazing.

in lieu of meeting

huh?
Originally uploaded by atb20.

mil and i opted out of going to the meeting this morning. he has a big biochem exam coming up on tuesday and wanted to get straight to the library when it opened. i think he succeeded. i foolishly suggested to myself that i might go to the silent vigil for peace the meeting holds in washington square park at 1pm, but here i am at 12:40 still in my pajamas... i guess that's not going to happen. the gloomy weather seems to be urging me to stay indoors.

it did that last night as well. mil suggested we go out for dinner for a change, but i was too immersed in my bout of organization to contemplate leaving the apartment. so it happened we discovered a fairly decent chinese restaurant that delivers to our area. i also succeeded in adding photos from 2000 to 2007 to a giant pottery barn photo album. i don't know how many photos this thing stores (and what this says about my ability to print out photos versus just upload them to flickr), but after adding about 10 envelopes full of photos, i still have almost a quarter of the album left. i also had the opportunity to reminisce a little... i saw photos from my old company conference in key west. there was a whole envelope or two with photos from my trip to france with doodlebug. what's sad is i don't quite remember if we went in 2000 or 2001... much of the evening was spent trying to use my various haircuts to discern what year it was. ("that can't be christmas 2004 because that's definitely january 2005 and my hair is significantly longer.") meanwhile i was also finally finishing the editing on our honeymoon video... only two and half years later....

today my goals are a little less significant. finish the work i didn't do last thursday and friday afternoons because of my computer troubles and buy some dvd-rs, so i can burn this honeymoon video and be done with it. very exciting.

new toy

this afternoon i got a new laptop. i waited maybe 24 hours after the first zig-zagging lines appeared on my old laptop screen before zipping over to the apple store on 5th ave to buy myself a new one. it is a beautiful little machine, and it zooms through documents five times as fast as my old powerbook. as much as i am enjoying my new toy, i can't help but feel a little disappointed in myself. recently, mil and i started a habit of going to these quaker meetings. though we have yet to make any kind of a commitment to one religion over another, we seem to like the silent spirituality of the unprogrammed quaker meetings. i try to use the quiet time to decompress and process the week. i also contemplate the possibility of becoming less materialistic. so far, i haven't had much luck (case in point stares back at me blankly). i try to de-newyorkify myself a bit as well... smooth out some of the prickly bits of my character that have built up after 12 years in the city. unfortunately, by the time friday rolls around any mellowness achieved in the meeting is long gone. all it takes is a woman sneaking in front of me at the exit turnstile at 116th street station... or a couple of folks walking side-by-side on a narrow sidewalk, not bothering to make room for me coming in the opposite direction. it's amazing how long i can let something like that steam me up for absolutely no good reason. 13 hours later i'm still wishing bad karma on that first lady. anyway, all i can say is i'm working on it... that's good for something, no?

brain ooze

i'm not sure what has happened to me. i was stacking a set of papers on my colleague's desk, and twice -- not once, but two separate times -- i missed the edge of the desk and let the papers fall to the floor. less than an hour later, i knocked my knee on her chair as i was trying to walk out of her office. i think she might think i'm "special." i've never been a coordinated person, but this is ridiculous... my brain seems to be oozing out my ears or something. maybe it's the lack of caffeine. after my doctor told me i might have ibs, i have tried cutting out my morning cup of coffee, but i'm convinced my brain cannot function without it. any suggestions?

btw, for those of you who are interested, i have posted some adorable photos of lmsp on flickr. i am definitely a proud aunt... mil and i are convinced we will now be stuch with the child from hell... there's only room for one perfect kid in a family, you know.

eek!

this video footage freaked me out. it's police footage that was taken from a fuji blimp during the rnc in nyc. they're watching you... read more here.

update

sorry for the lag... at first i wasn't much up for posting, and by the time i was, i wasn't sure what to write. i'm afraid i'm still in the last category. i have learned that i will never be a natural blogger since the last thing i want to do when i'm feeling like crap is write about how i feel like crap. i've never been into depressing books or movies, and i guess i feel the same way about blogs. it seems like there is enough sadness in the news and in our daily lives that we don't need to manufacture more reasons to be sad.

that said, i'll give you a summary of the last few months. most of ya'll have heard snippets at various points, so i'll spare you all the minor twists and turns. in early december we thought my mom had gallstones because she had a blockage in her bileduct. she had her gallbladder removed in mid-december, only to learn in january that she didn't have gallstones at all. after some urging by the doctors, my mom decided to go through a second surgery that would remove part of her bile duct along with some nearby digestive tissues. after 7 hours of surgery and a week in the hospital, we were told that there was a tumor in ber bile duct. after weeks of hearing good news (they didn't see anything on the endoscope, ultrasound, mri, ct scan, biopsy...), this was a bit of a blow, and my mom still had more recovering to do just from the surgery. the really good news is that they removed all of the tumor which is rare in cases of bile duct cancer and puts her in a good position for long term recovery. unfortunately, she will still have to undergo chemo and radiation in order to ensure that the cancer doesn't recur.
all this said, my mom is an amazing person who has been incredibly healthy up till now, so i am confident in her ability to heal and recover from this whole ordeal. and i'm now at the point where i can write all this and not feel like bawling, so that's good, too!

anyway, that's the story. my mom will beat this, and i know my family will be stronger and appreciate life even more for having helped her through it. every day this seems less like a bad dream and more like a detour in the road...

day by day

lovebirds
Originally uploaded by atb20.

it's been a rough month... it seems like every time i think life is going to ease up it throws me back into the ring for a little more. i have been incredibly fortunate for the last 29 years, and i am not used to things going wrong. i don't really know how to deal with bad news... especially when it's happening to the people i depend on. i'm much better when it's a friend of a friend, and i can offer sympathy and move on with my life just as it was. i'm much less adept when it's my life and my plans that are thrown out of balance.

last week, after a seemingly endless day in the waiting room at nyu, mil and i squeezed onto one of the packed elevators to finally go home. there was another woman on the elevator whom i recognized from the waiting room and recovery room hours earlier. she wore a button on her jacket that i hadn't noticed earlier... it said, "all will be well with god's help." in that moment, i envied her. i envied her faith in a good and just god who watches over us and takes care of our loved ones. i wanted to believe in a deity that doesn't allow warm, loving people to suffer while selfish, greedy people get 90 years of good health. i made the decision at that point that i needed to make an attempt to find my spiritual side... to find some inner peace in the chaos of what has been a really exhausting new year. yesterday, i began that journey by dragging my huspand and parents to a quaker meeting in the village. i had been to a quaker meeting once many years ago, and i found the silence and the companionship incredibly moving. i found myself, instead of just praying for my mom to be well, praying for strength to be there for my mom and dad, to be able to forgive myself for not having been as supportive as i would have wanted to be at the beginning of this ordeal, and for the energy to do what i can to get my family through this tough time. i know that my mom will be well again, and i know that my family has many happy times to look forward to, so i just need to be strong enough to deal with all of the crap that's coming at us in the meantime.

i didn't mean for this to be such a depressing post, but i guess that's just where i am (and why i haven't posted much lately). i still have a whole lot to be grateful for and happy about...

there and back again

airplanes
Originally uploaded by atb20.

once again, i have allowed for a long stretch of nothingness between posts. to my few remaining loyal readers, i apologize. i had, in fact, thought of you while mil and i waited patiently for our 8am flight to greenville on christmas eve day. i was equipped with my handy-dandy little mo-phone and had typed my tired little thumbs out writing a post about the joys of traveling to newark at 6 in the morning, but alas, i had not yet figured out the intricacies of mo-blogging and the post was lost to the dark recesses of my phone's memory. i think i might have been a bit scarred from that experience and therefore refused to greet my blog for the rest of our travels. overall they were quite lovely... we got to spend time with seldom seen friends and relatives and even share some quality time with one another. i forget how little mil and i see eachother during the school year until we have a nice break like this. i'm afraid i might be getting a bit spoiled.