Twitter / atb20

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


as you may have guessed from the title of this blog, i have a bit of a nostalgic streak. while my adulthood (up till now) has been relatively happy and worry-free, there's a certain care-free self-comfort i had as a child that i haven't quite been able to reclaim since adolescence reared its ugly head. not surprisingly, my mom's death has made me all the more nostalgic for the early days, long, long ago in the before time, when i thought my mom would live to one hundred and two, and all the world was a stage (or at least my driveway, the garage, the foyer, my neighbors backyard...) on which i was to entertain the masses.

for some reason -- perhaps it was the discovery of my 1986 camp olympia yearbook as i cleaned out my closet last weekend -- i've been especially fond of my camp memories. i went to camp o (as we used to call it) for 9 years... starting out as a wee 8-year old in shorty-shorts and ending as a pimply 16-year old with my oversize t-shirt tucked in only at the front. i had many a camp crush (one ending in my first bumped-nose kiss) and a few camp quarrels. i remember planning a skit for the talent show and designing a booth for "carnival." the notes i wrote home were often short -- a list of the things i'd done that day, a request for deodorant at 9 (because my armpits were apparently stinky), the declaration of the name of my new pound-puppy "melinda."

i also recall the anticipation of the end of the three weeks, when i would pack all my clothes and camp momentos back into my trunk. we'd wait on the tennis courts, trying to occupy ourselves with a game or activity, as we nervously looked for our parents amongst the throngs of "old" people flocking the camp grounds. i was always so eager to see my parents after three weeks away. eager to show them the tschotsckes i'd made in arts and crafts and the bunk where i spent my nights. i had had my fun, but now i wanted a hug from my mom and a kiss on the nose from my dad... to be home. it's now three weeks since my mom died. i feel like i should be seeing her again... i feel like if i just go back to camp and wait on those tennis courts, she will come back for me with a big smile and a warm hug. she always did before.

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Monday, December 10, 2007


i'm sorry that i've been missing in action. unfortunately, it has been for a very sad reason. my mom passed away last week. i left new york to be with her in mid-November when she was in the hospital getting her feeding tube. unfortunately, the feeding tube was only the beginning of her worries. the feeding tube never worked, and many other things started to go wrong. it turns out that there were many tiny, sub-radiographic tumors surrounding her organs causing strictures throughout her bowels and fluid build-up in her abdomen. she ultimately died of a cerebral hemorrhage... quickly and relatively painlessly, but long before any of us ever wanted to see her go. she was a treasure of a person. looking back, i'm not so sure she wasn't an angel. she loved every minute of every day and took pleasure in other people's accomplishments. she was never thoughtless or petty... just warm, caring, and joyful. i honestly can't think of a mean or selfish thing that she ever did or said... i'm sure there were a few times she had been pushed past her limit, but they were so rare and inconsequential, i can't bring them to mind. i hope that everyone has someone in her life who loves her as fully and unconditionally as my mom loved me.

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