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Monday, January 15, 2007

day by day

Originally uploaded by atb20.

it's been a rough month... it seems like every time i think life is going to ease up it throws me back into the ring for a little more. i have been incredibly fortunate for the last 29 years, and i am not used to things going wrong. i don't really know how to deal with bad news... especially when it's happening to the people i depend on. i'm much better when it's a friend of a friend, and i can offer sympathy and move on with my life just as it was. i'm much less adept when it's my life and my plans that are thrown out of balance.

last week, after a seemingly endless day in the waiting room at nyu, mil and i squeezed onto one of the packed elevators to finally go home. there was another woman on the elevator whom i recognized from the waiting room and recovery room hours earlier. she wore a button on her jacket that i hadn't noticed earlier... it said, "all will be well with god's help." in that moment, i envied her. i envied her faith in a good and just god who watches over us and takes care of our loved ones. i wanted to believe in a deity that doesn't allow warm, loving people to suffer while selfish, greedy people get 90 years of good health. i made the decision at that point that i needed to make an attempt to find my spiritual side... to find some inner peace in the chaos of what has been a really exhausting new year. yesterday, i began that journey by dragging my huspand and parents to a quaker meeting in the village. i had been to a quaker meeting once many years ago, and i found the silence and the companionship incredibly moving. i found myself, instead of just praying for my mom to be well, praying for strength to be there for my mom and dad, to be able to forgive myself for not having been as supportive as i would have wanted to be at the beginning of this ordeal, and for the energy to do what i can to get my family through this tough time. i know that my mom will be well again, and i know that my family has many happy times to look forward to, so i just need to be strong enough to deal with all of the crap that's coming at us in the meantime.

i didn't mean for this to be such a depressing post, but i guess that's just where i am (and why i haven't posted much lately). i still have a whole lot to be grateful for and happy about...

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

there and back again

Originally uploaded by atb20.

once again, i have allowed for a long stretch of nothingness between posts. to my few remaining loyal readers, i apologize. i had, in fact, thought of you while mil and i waited patiently for our 8am flight to greenville on christmas eve day. i was equipped with my handy-dandy little mo-phone and had typed my tired little thumbs out writing a post about the joys of traveling to newark at 6 in the morning, but alas, i had not yet figured out the intricacies of mo-blogging and the post was lost to the dark recesses of my phone's memory. i think i might have been a bit scarred from that experience and therefore refused to greet my blog for the rest of our travels. overall they were quite lovely... we got to spend time with seldom seen friends and relatives and even share some quality time with one another. i forget how little mil and i see eachother during the school year until we have a nice break like this. i'm afraid i might be getting a bit spoiled.