growing pains

so... yeah, it seems i'm going to be having a kid someday soon. and, no, i really can't think about anything else for any length of time. this makes working rather difficult. it even makes socializing somewhat challenging since i know not everyone else is as interested in my gestation as i am. what's funny, is there is really not much to report. other than a few more aches and pounds, i'm still pretty much me. and basically, i expect to be that way until the little one begins arriving.

i'm at the point where i'm ready to get the show on the road... not so much because i'm incredibly uncomfortable (though bending over often feels like a contortionist act), but because i can't wait to meet this kid. and i want to know what all the fuss is about... and i still don't quite believe that my growing belly is indication that i will be a parent in a matter of days.

as i get closer to my due date, and i see the easter decorations in the windows of duane reade, the ache to meet my daughter is rivaled only by the pain of not having my mom around for this amazing journey. as much as mil showers me with love and affection, and my dad calls for daily reports, and the rest of my family and friends express excitement and support, i can't help but feel sorry for myself... sorry for this little person inside of me. no one is my mom. there is no replacement for her love and advice. the most painful part is that i know how much my mom would have reveled in this... the whole experience... watching me grow, remembering her own pregnancies, meeting her newest grandchild, spending holidays surrounded by little, squishy granddaughters... hiding plastic easter eggs, magically turning shoe-boxes into frilly easter baskets. despite all of the love that i know this little girl will be surrounded by, there's a part of me that will always know how much love she's missing out on, too... how amazing a grandma she would have had. i just feel cheated... like all three of us have been cheated... and at the same time, i know i have been incredibly lucky... to have had the spectacular mother that i did, to have the wonderful family and friends that keep me sane, and to be able to look forward to this child of my own (who is bound to be as spectacular as her grandma).

sweet and sour

i write this morning from a small table perched in a glassy enclave above 70th street with a misty view of the river. after an exhausting move (and my first semi-professional photo shoot), we're here. most of the boxes are now hidden in the second bedroom which has yet to see its furniture.

my plan for the day is to work out in our new gym, meet a friend for dim-sum in chinatown, and begin shopping for the big-ticket home accessories. sounds pretty perfect... except that there's an alternate version of today. the version where i get up, workout, meet my mom for sweet, zesty, lemon-ricotta pancakes at a nearby cafe. we wonder past the 75th street flea market, stop in at pottery barn and gracious home. she points out colors and textures that go with our apartment and our lives. she remembers items that we'll need that i never thought to buy. she might drag me down to abc carpet after i'm already pooped, but it'll have been worth it because she found the perfect rug on sale. i won't have to think of a thing because she has this down, every apartment or house she's rented or bought, a lesson in interior design. every day with me over the last 30 years a lesson in who i am and what i like. but today, the real today, i'm on my own... i have to remember everything or count on friends to help me think of what i might be forgetting. it's not bad... in fact, it's a very good day... just not the one i'd hoped for.

babysitting, part 2

so, my brother, his wife, and lmsp have come to nyc for a visit. lmsp seems to just get cuter by the day. she's still a wiggly, giggly little thing, but now she can speak. she says "hat," "ball," "up," "out," "mama," "dada," and "amah." you know what that last one is? me! she apparently repeats my name over and over again when i'm not around, hoping i'll climb out of the cabinet i must be hiding in. it's pretty spectacular to be a kid's first name after mama and dada. it's a bittersweet victory for me, knowing that it should have been "gamma." as i lay next to her, rubbing her back as she tried to fall asleep, wiggling her little tush as she settled into place, i couldn't help but think of how my mom should be there in my place, snuggling and shushing lmsp into dreamland.

being in that apartment... laying on the couch she so often napped on, drinking from the cups she always set out at dinner, seeing her handwriting on little notes jotted down on her "bird lover" stationery... feels like walking around in a haunted place. the ghost of my mom is everywhere there... even in lmsp's gigantic, life-loving smile. there's a pang every time i see something of hers... sometimes it's a big pang that catches my breath in my throat. others, it's just a little poke at the bruise on my heart. with lmsp, it tends toward the latter... it's just hard to get caught up in my own grief when she is shuffling around in my over-sized shoes with my mom's basket-weave purse dangling between her feet and a big, goofy grin spread across her face.

a bit of magic

this morning as i was riding the subway to work, "invisible ink" by aimee mann started playing on my i pod. i don't know what it was about the song, but i started to think about how much i wanted to call my mom. thinking about the sound of her voice, i started to tear up as i walked up the steps behind earl hall. i felt so empty, i just wanted her back. i thought to myself how nice it would be to see a hawk on campus today. i only saw a hawk once before on campus, but i thought if my mom had an emissary on this physical plane it would be a red-tailed hawk... after a few glances at the empty branches of nearby trees and the blue-gray sky, i finally saw one... just sitting quietly on an upper branch of an oak tree several yards away. i stopped to sit down on a cold, cement bench, overwhelmed by my emotions, and the hawk flew down to a lower branch closer to the path. as i walked by her, i was maybe five feet from where she sat, glancing at me briefly before returning her gaze to the squirrels scurrying beneath her, ultimately chasing one down a grassy knoll alongside low library.

i've was never raised to believe in a biblical heaven, but i've also never really doubted the existence of some kind of "life" beyond the physical one we experience with our five senses. little events like this one make me almost sure that our consciousness lives on in some non-physical way. sometimes it's comforting... knowing that my mom is still there... somewhere... other times it just reminds me of how much i miss my physical mom... the sound of her voice... the feel of her cheek next to mine. other than this morning, i've been feeling a little better since coming back to new york after the holidays. the pain is a little less constant. maybe it's just having the holidays over and done with. maybe it's a little didstance... maybe it's guitar hero... i'll take it though.

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m.i.a.

i'm sorry that i've been missing in action. unfortunately, it has been for a very sad reason. my mom passed away last week. i left new york to be with her in mid-November when she was in the hospital getting her feeding tube. unfortunately, the feeding tube was only the beginning of her worries. the feeding tube never worked, and many other things started to go wrong. it turns out that there were many tiny, sub-radiographic tumors surrounding her organs causing strictures throughout her bowels and fluid build-up in her abdomen. she ultimately died of a cerebral hemorrhage... quickly and relatively painlessly, but long before any of us ever wanted to see her go. she was a treasure of a person. looking back, i'm not so sure she wasn't an angel. she loved every minute of every day and took pleasure in other people's accomplishments. she was never thoughtless or petty... just warm, caring, and joyful. i honestly can't think of a mean or selfish thing that she ever did or said... i'm sure there were a few times she had been pushed past her limit, but they were so rare and inconsequential, i can't bring them to mind. i hope that everyone has someone in her life who loves her as fully and unconditionally as my mom loved me.

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back... for now

well, if anyone is still checking-in, i am alive. i have been in houston for the last 12 days. my mom was in the hospital for half that time. needless to say, it was a rough 12 days. my mom had a feeding tube put in over two weeks ago and has yet to really use it. they ended up having to put in a central line (a catheter that goes straight to a primary artery), so they can feed her intravenously (TPN). she's gotten back a little energy, but she has a long way to go. the tpn is only a temporary fix, so we're hoping her digestive system will start functioning again soon. if not, she gets to go back in for more surgery in the hope that they can open up some of the obstructions in her bowels. honestly, i'm petrified... and i feel like my insides have turned to eggshells. i'm not quite sure how i am functioning at all... but here i am, back at work... still breathing, still eating, still sleeping on occasion. i hope everyone had a lovely thanksgiving... there is always so much to be grateful for, even when life feels like it's at its worst.

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sweet jiminy christmas! i'm sorry for that downer of a post. i've been a little masochistic of late. my mom had a bit of a downturn in her health, and i haven't really wanted to talk about it in any other setting. for some reason, i get really defensive whenever anyone asks me how my mom is doing. like if i say she's doing anything less than "okay" i have to go into the whole thing... and the whole thing just hurts too much to talk about. i don't want to bring people down. and so far, things really aren't too bad. my mom has had some digestion problems, but it's more likely that they are the result of her surgery early this year than the cancer spreading. of course, every time i think about it, i start to think about the worst possible outcome... which doesn't really make sense given that most of this past weekend i got to be with my mom... talk to her... walk in the woods with her... and to listen to her talk to me. there's no reason i should dwell on future possibilities when right now ain't too bad. yeah, it's been better, but i know it's been worse, too. no matter what, i am not going to be able to be with my mom forever, and every moment i spend worrying about the future is a moment that i'm not enjoying the present.

anyway, all good resolutions aside, i'm doing a little better. i'm watching "the office" (btw, season one was pretty dang funny) and reading my book... and now that the weather is turning colder, i am back in the mood to knit. i just discovered this amazingly fun knitter... it's a shame that none of you folks knit because this looks like it's gonna be fun.

she blinded me with science

or should i say i'm boring myself to tears with research... that's more accurate. as you may have noticed, i haven't posted in a while. things have been fumbling along in my life. i've gone to houston several more times and austin once... and pennsylvania once. they were all good visits. two of the times i got to see lmsp. they still don't get much cuter.

mm... so cute.

things with my mom are ok... could be better, could be worse. she's had some metastesis to her liver (not good), but she's still feeling good and looking good which is great. she's convinced she's going to beat this thing, so we're all trying to stay convinced of that, too. heck, when you see her, it's really hard to believe she's sick at all. we partied it up for her 60th birthday (hence the visits to pa and austin).

now i'm just trying to sort through the various pieces of my life and figure out what's next. i'm pretty darn sure i'm not long for the psychology world, but i haven't figured out exactly what's next... it doesn't help that mil's on the waitlist for his top two schools, so who knows when we'll figure out where we're even living. meanwhile, the townhouse project has been moving at a snail's pace. we demo'd 3+ months ago, and we have yet to officially select our contractor... argh! in the meantime, my dad's started a project that might turn into something bigger and more full-time... we shall see...

update

sorry for the lag... at first i wasn't much up for posting, and by the time i was, i wasn't sure what to write. i'm afraid i'm still in the last category. i have learned that i will never be a natural blogger since the last thing i want to do when i'm feeling like crap is write about how i feel like crap. i've never been into depressing books or movies, and i guess i feel the same way about blogs. it seems like there is enough sadness in the news and in our daily lives that we don't need to manufacture more reasons to be sad.

that said, i'll give you a summary of the last few months. most of ya'll have heard snippets at various points, so i'll spare you all the minor twists and turns. in early december we thought my mom had gallstones because she had a blockage in her bileduct. she had her gallbladder removed in mid-december, only to learn in january that she didn't have gallstones at all. after some urging by the doctors, my mom decided to go through a second surgery that would remove part of her bile duct along with some nearby digestive tissues. after 7 hours of surgery and a week in the hospital, we were told that there was a tumor in ber bile duct. after weeks of hearing good news (they didn't see anything on the endoscope, ultrasound, mri, ct scan, biopsy...), this was a bit of a blow, and my mom still had more recovering to do just from the surgery. the really good news is that they removed all of the tumor which is rare in cases of bile duct cancer and puts her in a good position for long term recovery. unfortunately, she will still have to undergo chemo and radiation in order to ensure that the cancer doesn't recur.
all this said, my mom is an amazing person who has been incredibly healthy up till now, so i am confident in her ability to heal and recover from this whole ordeal. and i'm now at the point where i can write all this and not feel like bawling, so that's good, too!

anyway, that's the story. my mom will beat this, and i know my family will be stronger and appreciate life even more for having helped her through it. every day this seems less like a bad dream and more like a detour in the road...