Twitter / atb20

Monday, March 30, 2009

growing pains

so... yeah, it seems i'm going to be having a kid someday soon. and, no, i really can't think about anything else for any length of time. this makes working rather difficult. it even makes socializing somewhat challenging since i know not everyone else is as interested in my gestation as i am. what's funny, is there is really not much to report. other than a few more aches and pounds, i'm still pretty much me. and basically, i expect to be that way until the little one begins arriving.

i'm at the point where i'm ready to get the show on the road... not so much because i'm incredibly uncomfortable (though bending over often feels like a contortionist act), but because i can't wait to meet this kid. and i want to know what all the fuss is about... and i still don't quite believe that my growing belly is indication that i will be a parent in a matter of days.

as i get closer to my due date, and i see the easter decorations in the windows of duane reade, the ache to meet my daughter is rivaled only by the pain of not having my mom around for this amazing journey. as much as mil showers me with love and affection, and my dad calls for daily reports, and the rest of my family and friends express excitement and support, i can't help but feel sorry for myself... sorry for this little person inside of me. no one is my mom. there is no replacement for her love and advice. the most painful part is that i know how much my mom would have reveled in this... the whole experience... watching me grow, remembering her own pregnancies, meeting her newest grandchild, spending holidays surrounded by little, squishy granddaughters... hiding plastic easter eggs, magically turning shoe-boxes into frilly easter baskets. despite all of the love that i know this little girl will be surrounded by, there's a part of me that will always know how much love she's missing out on, too... how amazing a grandma she would have had. i just feel cheated... like all three of us have been cheated... and at the same time, i know i have been incredibly lucky... to have had the spectacular mother that i did, to have the wonderful family and friends that keep me sane, and to be able to look forward to this child of my own (who is bound to be as spectacular as her grandma).


Katherine said...

just thinking about you today, moosk.
gonna meet your daughter on saturday! can't wait.xoxo

Katie said...

Update, please! Wanting to know how that baby and Momma are doing! Oh, and Daddy, too!