fiction

i think i realize why i might be so addicted to this (not-so)little sci-fi series of mine. sometimes fiction allows you to explore times and places you would never otherwise experience... sometimes it offers you a glimpse of your own time and place from a perspective you hadn't taken... and sometimes fiction just takes you out of your own life for a little while. i used to be able to escape in my dreams... in my dreamworld i was someone else or somewhere else where my mom wasn't sick. but now my mom's cancer has infiltrated my dreams. i dream of her dying. when we got back from germany, i had a dream where i remember saying to my dad, "she was so healthy when we were in germany, but she was never the same after that." i couldn't shake that line from my mind after i woke up. the next day, when i asked her how she was feeling, she said she was okay, but a little "uncomfortable." this was the first time she hadn't felt well since she stopped chemo several weeks before. shortly thereafter, she went for a series of scans and bloodtests that showed that the cancer had progressed... some, but not much. she was allowed to start anvirzel -- a non-traditional cancer treatment that is in clinical trials -- which she could start at home, to see how that would go. we were hopeful. since then she has felt more "uncomfortable," and sometimes downright crummy. after a call to her doctor this morning, we learned that her tumors might be interfering with her digestion again, and she should probably get back on chemo asap. i try not to be superstitious, but i can't help but fear that my dream was an omen. i keep crying whenever i think about it... and all i want to do is pick up my silly sci-fi book and escape to a world where all they have to worry about is the keeper of the dead banishing all life to the underworld.