day by day

lovebirds
Originally uploaded by atb20.

it's been a rough month... it seems like every time i think life is going to ease up it throws me back into the ring for a little more. i have been incredibly fortunate for the last 29 years, and i am not used to things going wrong. i don't really know how to deal with bad news... especially when it's happening to the people i depend on. i'm much better when it's a friend of a friend, and i can offer sympathy and move on with my life just as it was. i'm much less adept when it's my life and my plans that are thrown out of balance.

last week, after a seemingly endless day in the waiting room at nyu, mil and i squeezed onto one of the packed elevators to finally go home. there was another woman on the elevator whom i recognized from the waiting room and recovery room hours earlier. she wore a button on her jacket that i hadn't noticed earlier... it said, "all will be well with god's help." in that moment, i envied her. i envied her faith in a good and just god who watches over us and takes care of our loved ones. i wanted to believe in a deity that doesn't allow warm, loving people to suffer while selfish, greedy people get 90 years of good health. i made the decision at that point that i needed to make an attempt to find my spiritual side... to find some inner peace in the chaos of what has been a really exhausting new year. yesterday, i began that journey by dragging my huspand and parents to a quaker meeting in the village. i had been to a quaker meeting once many years ago, and i found the silence and the companionship incredibly moving. i found myself, instead of just praying for my mom to be well, praying for strength to be there for my mom and dad, to be able to forgive myself for not having been as supportive as i would have wanted to be at the beginning of this ordeal, and for the energy to do what i can to get my family through this tough time. i know that my mom will be well again, and i know that my family has many happy times to look forward to, so i just need to be strong enough to deal with all of the crap that's coming at us in the meantime.

i didn't mean for this to be such a depressing post, but i guess that's just where i am (and why i haven't posted much lately). i still have a whole lot to be grateful for and happy about...

there and back again

airplanes
Originally uploaded by atb20.

once again, i have allowed for a long stretch of nothingness between posts. to my few remaining loyal readers, i apologize. i had, in fact, thought of you while mil and i waited patiently for our 8am flight to greenville on christmas eve day. i was equipped with my handy-dandy little mo-phone and had typed my tired little thumbs out writing a post about the joys of traveling to newark at 6 in the morning, but alas, i had not yet figured out the intricacies of mo-blogging and the post was lost to the dark recesses of my phone's memory. i think i might have been a bit scarred from that experience and therefore refused to greet my blog for the rest of our travels. overall they were quite lovely... we got to spend time with seldom seen friends and relatives and even share some quality time with one another. i forget how little mil and i see eachother during the school year until we have a nice break like this. i'm afraid i might be getting a bit spoiled.

izzy fix

so much more exciting than skiing...

phew... (almost)

sorry i haven't been around for a while. it's been a tough week so far, but we've gotten our first bit of good news, and it looks like my family and i might soon be able to stop holding our collective breath. but i'm not one to go counting chickens, so in the meantime, i'll just say that we all deserve a nice, large glass of wine tonight... i'm not really sure what else is going on with me. i know that christmas is coming, and i have only knit about half of the things i'd planned to. fortunately for me there's worldwidefred.com. some of those folks who were slated for homemade gifts will be getting silly little tchotchkes from fred instead. it might not be much, but it's probably more useful than whatever i can knit.

giving in

so, i did it. i caved in and got dvr. i love it. mil hates it (and loves it). i can watch roseanne and spongebob and the daily show and changing rooms (or "cheenging rums" as i like to say), and i can record one of them if i'm not home or something better is also on. it's heaven! i was debating it for a while. i prefer real life to television, and i don't want to have kids who spend their childhood glued to a tv. but then again, i hate commercials and appointment tv... so the benefits seem to outweigh the costs... for now.

i've also discovered youtube. i can now bore you with videos of the minutia of my day. yay! today's videos are of my ski trip last spring to get you in the mood for winter... bon hiver!


**

so different... and yet so similar

i was reading this editorial on hugo chavez on bbc.com. i found it interesting how many of these descriptions could just easily be used to describe w.

at home, he has forged an intensely ideological, combative, and intolerant regime, brandishing polarising rhetoric to divide and incite social classes and mobilising the tools of the state to suppress and persecute his opponents.
- roger noriega

. . . his refusal to leave behind the polarising discourse; surrounding himself with people who are unable to treat him as an equal, and his desire to perpetuate himself in power and centralise it.
- margarita lopez maya

in his mind, there is no-one above him. no-one tells chavez what to do. that makes him a very solitary figure - one with no commitments. . . . they know he does not make compromises, because he feels he has a mission ahead. so, he has left behind many of those who have started the process with him.
- alberto garrido

ok. maybe not altogether similar:

the political transformation in venezuela has been possible because chavez led "from the front" and challenged elite vested interests.
- julia buxton

resistance is futile

so, i went to houston for thanksgiving. it was nice and relaxing as it should be. i partook in excellent thanksgiving fare in addition to the requisite tex-mex and bbq outings later in the weekend. i even saw an old friend while i was in town. quite surprising since none of my old friends live there anymore. i guess great minds think alike... as they say.

one of the highlights of my journey down south was getting to spend some quality time with little miss squiggly pants. at 4 months her personality is bubbling over with giggles and cuddles. she's so sociable that she has a hard time falling asleep for fear of missing something more exciting. even when sleepy, she offers coy smiles and warm snuggles. i must admit that i was a little jealous when my brother & sister-in-law whisked her back to california. my mother and i briefly planned an abduction, but we figured we'd be found out. i guess we'll just have to wait till their next visit. in the meantime the tick of that incessant little clock is getting louder, but i'm doing everything i can to quell the noise. i've got hawaii to look forward to... and mil's acceptance to med school... neither of which make this a particularly good time to increase the size (and expense) of our family. i've uploaded a video of lmsp to youtube.com, but it's private, so if you want to see it, send me an email with your youtube id, and i'll add you as a friend. it also co-stars the screen-stealing stylings of our very own milhouse vanhouten. you know you want to see it...

from my turkey to yours

happy thanksgiving, ladies & gents. i have much to be grateful for this thanksgiving. in addition to my personal good fortune (good family, good friends, great husband, nice life, pain-in-the-ass bird...), i'm also grateful that come january, we'll have a democratic(ish) congress. and while i doubt that means we've wiped corruption out of the house and senate for good, at least we have a few more checks and balances than we've had for the last 6 years, and almost anyone can be grateful for that. one of the things that i hope to be grateful for next thanksgiving though, is an end to the genocide in darfur. the images and stories that come out of that region of africa are nothing short of horrifying. i'm going to be bringing it up at our thanksgiving table, and i hope you will, too.

savedarfur.org has a post called "materials for thanksgiving action" that's worth checking out...

**
and here are some photos to get you in the mood for the holidays... (larger versions are on flickr)

playing catch-up

so it's been over a week since my last post... and that wasn't much of a post. i think i'm not much of a blogger. i try, but sometimes the words just don't come, and i'm not one to force such things. life is busy... there is a great deal of knitting to do and several good shows in our netflix queue... and "heros" and "studio 60" (or "60 rock" as i tend to call it) and "the office" and "america's next top model" (don't ask me why). i think i've become a little slow thanks to watching all this television, and i still want dvr... what's wrong with me?

mil's dinner

meat
Originally uploaded by atb20.

hard to believe that a man who calls this "dinner" would marry a onetime vegetarian.

just what we need...

from bbc.com:

Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said earlier this year the US was losing the propaganda war to its enemies.

The newly-established unit will use "new media" channels to push its message and "set the record straight", the Pentagon's Mr Ruff said.

"We're looking at being quicker to respond to breaking news, being quicker to respond, frankly, to inaccurate statements," he said.

A Pentagon memo seen by the Associated Press news agency said the new unit would "develop messages" for the 24-hour news cycle and aim to "correct the record".

The unit would reportedly monitor media such as web logs and would also employ "surrogates", or top politicians or lobbyists who could be interviewed on TV and radio shows.

i love the strategic placement of the quotes.

the flight of thought

it's amazing. two seconds ago i had a brilliant idea for a post. but between the time that i got up off of the couch and the time that i logged onto blogger, i completely lost that thought. scary... i think it's the whole not working full-time thing. five out of seven days a week, i wake-up when i feel like and do what i feel like. so far, i have not felt like cleaning my apartment, and only once this week did i feel like going to the gym. sad.

oh, i remember what my "brilliant" idea was... i was going over to the bird to give her a kiss on the head and she turned and bit me on the lip. it made me realize that i need to find a bird whisperer. my bird is that pink maltese, kisses, from the dog whisperer. she's pink and she's a little pain in the ass. she pecks at my feet and turns on me at the least provocation. i need to learn how to be the leader of the flock... anyone have any ideas? mil's suggestion is the spray bottle, so we now say "no" and spray her when she's doing something she knows she's not supposed to do (e.g., pecking on toes or playing in the refuse underneath her cage). it doesn't work too well because she knows when we've got the water bottle and when we don't, so she decides when she's going to listen and when she's not. then again... she's a bird, not a dog. so maybe i'm just stuck with a pesky cockatoo.

we're going to hawaii!

we just booked our tickets and condo in kauaii for next summer. woohoo! now if only i could find the job, so we can afford it...

the prom is over

i just got back from california last night. it was a quick trip for a prom. i know -- it doesn't make much sense... i've been out of high school for 11 years, but for as long as i can remember, my friend -- let's call her prom queen -- has been talking about proms. she charmed me into joining her for such craptastic movies as "she's the one" and "never been kissed." and when she finally decided to marry the man of her dreams, she only agreed because he was willing to do it prom-style. pq definitely pulled off quite a prom, and it beat the socks off of my high school prom despite the fact that my date stood me up (for a biochem exam... sigh).

anyway, it was a fun weekend, but i'm still a little wiped from 12 hours of travel. i will be recuperating by reading this. apparently, the 109th congress is even more craptastic than "she's the one."

don't call it a comeback

bush-oil sign
Originally uploaded by atb20.

so... sorry for the lack of updates. (what is it about coming up with a name for a blog that reminds you of songs you haven't heard in 15 years?) i'm finding that less time in the office = less time online. it looks like i might have something to occupy my time soon. the thing with the townhouses that i mentioned a while back seems to have finally come to fruition. i'm still trying to figure out the logistics. fortunately, my part-time job allows me some time to volunteer to help these guys, but i need to figure out how it fits into my long-term plan.
**
outside of work, i've started volunteering some of my time to calling moveon.org members to try to recruit them to make calls to voters in hotly contested congressional districts. the sad thing is that while i've managed to recruit a few complete strangers to make calls, i haven't managed to recruit my own husband. i'm still trying though. if any of you guys are moveon members, i apologize for those of us who might be calling you at inopportune times. be nice. i hate cold calling, but i hate bush more, so this is what i have to do. if you're like me and interested in helping the "get out the vote" for the midterm elections, check out call for a change...

the dream lives

since his blog seems to be a relic of a bygone era, i thought i'd let those among you who care know that mil's dream seems to have been revitalized... while we all knew he had it in him, it seems he finally kicked some mcat ass. yay, mil!

the world can't wait

IMG_2771.JPG
Originally uploaded by atb20.

yet another good use of a day off in the middle of the week... rallying against the bush theocracy. up until i got a block away from the meet-up location in front of the un, i still wasn't sure i was going to do it, but i'm glad i did. i've felt pretty pissed about the latest news from washington... from the senate's approval of a bill that strips all non-citizens of the right of habeas corpus to the revelation that condi rice new about 9/11 two months before it happened to the selling-out of the legislative branch of our government to the highest bidder (bill moyers' documentary last night was frighteningly revealing). i have become too quiet, too complacent, and when a woman handed me a flier for the march yesterday, i knew i had to go. not that marching in a relatively small rally is enough, but i needed to do something... and i need to keep doing something until i see a change in the direction that our country is heading.

anyway, thanks for giving in to a little lefty idealism there. we'll be back to our regularly scheduled program next time. oh, and in case you haven't seen it, democracynow.org is worth checking out... it's some of the best news around.

feelin' fine

snow monkeys
Originally uploaded by atb20.

have i mentioned before how much i love working three days/week? if i could afford to, i'd totally do this for the rest of my life. unfortunately, i can't afford to, so i've either gotta look for another part-time job or a new full-time job. ugh. how did i get so unmotivated? why does knitting on my couch with my bird on my knee or sketching a bridge while perched on a rock in central park seem so much more fun that anything that i could potentially get paid for? i wonder if it's that whole external reward thing... if you get paid for something, it must not be fun in the first place. hm... i don't know.

last week i was good. i dedicated many hours to trolling the internet for jobs and even went to a rather lousy career fair on campus. (is it just me, or is it thoroughly depressing to print out pretty resumes and get all gussied up so you can sell yourself to some 22-year old who you find out has only been working at the company for 3 months and has no decision-making power whatsoever. i had one guy tell me he couldn't even give out his card.) btw, hf, i have not given up on the career fair in general, but i have realized that they're designed primarily for informational purposes, not networking...

anyway, after that event, my self-promotion efforts have fallen flat. like i said before, i'm enjoying this whole 3-day work week. it's a hard thing to give up just so you can pay the bills. yesterday i went to a jazz 101 class with my mother and next thursday i have plans to volunteer at a phone bank for moveon.org. so much more fun that polishing a keyboard for a living.

blech...

so, i sit here writing cover letters, reviewing my resume, and perusing job listings while listening to the whining drone of honking horns outside my window. is this any way to spend a day off of work? of course not, but having taken a look at our joint bank account recently and the mounting pile of secondary applications (which come with their own secondary application FEES) that mil still has to fill out, i don't have much of a choice.

today basically ended my hope for the recruiter position. they offered me a job, but it was at a lower level than they had discussed earlier, and it included "some administrative tasks." that's pretty much all they needed to say. if there's one thing i know about myself, it's that i'm not cut out for another year of "administrative tasks" (i.e., scheduling someone's meetings, answering their phones, filing their papers... blech). so, it's back to the drawing board. if anyone has any good ideas, i am open.

i'm actually a little relieved. i feel like they gave me permission to say 'no,' and 'no' is probably the right thing for me to say. as hard as i tried, i really couldn't picture myself there, and now i can spend my time trying to figure out where it is that i can picture myself. the tough question is how can i find a place that fits my personality and is still willing to pay me lots of money...

i was going to write about the morality of torture, but i decided to write about knitting instead

i've been hungering for a pair of comfortable, funky wrist warmers for the winter, and i just happened upon this pattern. i'm hoping that i'll be able to make them work with the yummy yarn i have left from my little pinafore project. i'm still eagerly awaiting the day i get a photo of the lmsp donning her aunt's loving work, but no pressure, no pressure...
**
since tuesday, i've begun to enjoy my less than full schedule. it's amazing how easy it is to go from guilt-ridden to footloose and fancy-free if you just put your mind to it. and put my mind to it, i did. yesterday, i packed my day so full of enriching activity that i had nary a moment to feel guilty for not being at the office. i even spent some quality time in central park attempting to sketch the bucolic scene before me. it didn't work so well. i've learned that i'm much better with a camera and photoshop than a pack of pencils... and i'm okay with that.