identity

there are certain things that my propriety keeps me from discussing with the world of the web, but let's just say that there's nothing like a good husband to take away the stresses of the day... i found myself singing the lyrics of a snappy junior brown song last night: i make the most of what i got at home and forget what i left behind. i'm halfway gone, but my better half's coming home.

i know a lot of folks are driven to succeed... whether it be money, power, academic achievement... i think that's cool, but i've come to realize that i'm just not one of those people. i'm happy to work, but i'm happier to play, and if it's going to stress me out or exhaust me, i'd rather not do it at all. not much of a good capitalist upbringing, i guess.

nevertheless, i've discovered a bit about myself by going through this internship thing. i have a psychodynamic therapist as my supervisor, and, as such, she requires me to do a lot of self-examination as part of my work with my clients. one of the things i've realized is that i've always been in a rather driven environment. by comparison, i've always been a bit of a slacker, happy in the middle type. i don't need to be in the top of my class or be in the most clubs to feel good about myself, so i always thought i was kind of a free spirit. turns out, when you're not at an ivy league university or a snooty prep school, there are a lot of people who take things a lot easier. huh... my supervisor seems to think of me as a bit of a neurotic, achiever type, which is really funny because i just never knew i could be thought of that way. i guess it's always good to take a peak at yourself through somebody else's eyes and realize you're not quite as normal as you thought you were.

that said, when i'm surrounded by these masochistic young folk who are gunning for a phd, i feel like i'm judged for "just" getting a masters. i find myself explaining... you see, i'm older, and i like to make money every once in a while... and you know, someday, i might just go back to school and get that phd in social work... really. i feel like somehow i have to prove i'm smart. one professor i work for seems to be surprised whenever i can figure something out on my own, or type up a powerpoint slide in a couple of minutes... like somehow because i'm just a lowly masters student i don't have the brainpower of those goal-oriented phd students (born in the 80s, no less). then again, i spend about half my week with smart kids who are special ed-ing their way through junior high and very intelligent adults who never got through high school. by comparison, i guess i seem like the masochistic, over-achiever. go figure.