wantingness

- (n.) a state of constantly wanting stuff

i live in this state. despite the fact that i am supremely fortunate in all of the most important ways (love, health, education, some income), i seem to always want something more. mil often remarks how often i say "ooh, i want _____." (e.g., i want to go to italy; i want a dog; i want a baby; i want another bird; i want a bigger apartment; i want to live in brooklyn; i want to live in london; i want a chinchilla; i want to go to scotland; i want to live in the west village; i want to own a townhouse; i want to open a store; i want to be more creative; i want a neice or nephew; i want to quit school; i want to quit work; i want a cat; i want to live on the beach; i want a garden... anyway, you get the picture). the point is that i can't have any of these things right now. i have to wait until i have more money and more time. i know that there's some whole consumerist theory driven by the american capitalist system that i am falling prey to, but somehow it doesn't make it better. even that time several posts back when i was freaked about being "with child," i was secretly excited because it meant that my very predictable life would be thrown for a loop. something would have to change.

i never thought of myself as the kind of person who likes upheaval, especially because i'm a "nester" by nature, but it seems that i kind of thrive on having stuff change. i guess over time, i've gotten used to things shaking-up every few years -- elementary school was probably the longest i'd lived in the same place and went to the same school for more than 4 years. lately, i've lived in the same place, had the same job, had the same man, and had the same bird for upwards of three years. while i'm quite happy about the last two, thank-you-very-much, i feel like something needs to change for me to feel like i'm progressing. is that odd? maladjusted? perhaps. i tried getting into the whole quaker mindset of not wanting new things, but i was painfully unsuccessful. at one point i realized that i was just into it because "i wanted a new religion." sad...