back... for now

well, if anyone is still checking-in, i am alive. i have been in houston for the last 12 days. my mom was in the hospital for half that time. needless to say, it was a rough 12 days. my mom had a feeding tube put in over two weeks ago and has yet to really use it. they ended up having to put in a central line (a catheter that goes straight to a primary artery), so they can feed her intravenously (TPN). she's gotten back a little energy, but she has a long way to go. the tpn is only a temporary fix, so we're hoping her digestive system will start functioning again soon. if not, she gets to go back in for more surgery in the hope that they can open up some of the obstructions in her bowels. honestly, i'm petrified... and i feel like my insides have turned to eggshells. i'm not quite sure how i am functioning at all... but here i am, back at work... still breathing, still eating, still sleeping on occasion. i hope everyone had a lovely thanksgiving... there is always so much to be grateful for, even when life feels like it's at its worst.

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strange doings

so, apparently, a bird-watcher from my home state took it upon himself to defend the endangered piping plover from the dangers of a hungry white and gray tabby by shooting the feline with a .22-caliber rifle. nice. now, as you know, i'm as big a fan of the birds as almost anyone, but since when was it okay to hunt cats?? cats are fuzzy and cuddly... if anything, they should be brought into your home and showered with love and squeaky toys... wouldn't a few well-placed containers of fancy feast have done the job without the expensive fine and trip to jail? anyway, i love that this article made it to the nytimes.

oh, on an entirely unrelated note, i found this frightening game that shows you how many earths would be necessary if everyone on the planet lived like you do... it's like "inconvenient truth" -- the game! ok, i need to go now and fly to houston... that'll cost me like 1.3 earths right there.

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coming clean

so, in february 2006, i started a secret blog... mil knew about it, but i didn't tell anyone else. i just wanted a place to record my thoughts on a certain subject i wasn't quite ready to talk about in such a public forum as this. mil and i were making plans to start the process of increasing the size of our little family. we didn't actually start... ahem... trying till much later in the year. unfortunately, almost a year later, we're still trying. i'm admitting this now because a) a little comment snuck onto this blog from my various perambulations around the infertility blogosphere and b) it's infertility awareness week. while it's not technically "infertility" until you've been trying to get pregnant for a year, i think i will be a member of this unlucky club any day now. and it kinda stinks. lately, i've been reading far too many blogs written by women (and some men) dealing with infertility which has given me some perspective on the medical and emotional aspects of this wonderful condition. it's amazing the amount of money and heartache you can go through just for the hope of having something that comes so easily to almost everyone else. though we will likely have to tread that path soon, we've decided that given my mom's illness and mil's busy school schedule that jumping into the world of medical diagnosis and treatment is not for us right now. instead we will take a break, collect our thoughts, and check-in with the doctors when things slow down a bit.

anyway, i'm still rather shy about the whole thing, so for now the other blog will have to remain somewhat secret, but there it is. it's out there... in public. you can count us among that 12.5% of couples who have trouble conceiving. yay us!

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rainy day

the last two days here have been gloomy and rainy... yesterday, i think i spent 7 hours sitting on this very couch alternately working and reading blogs. you can just imagine how productive i was. mil came home at 10pm, and there i was... still on the couch. he wondered why i hadn't picked up the mail... um, because i haven't left the apartment in 10 hours... that's why. you'll be proud of me though. i did do some yoga. i'm loving inhale on oxygen. i highly recommend it if you're like me and prefer not to leave the comfort of home unless you absolutely have to but feel guilty if your heartrate doesn't rise above 60 bpm for over a week.

so lately, i've added daily kos to my google reader for a little extra edumacation. while there are far too many posts for me to keep up with on a regular basis, this one caught my eye. i have read quite a bit about the 2008 democratic primary (as a side note, can i say: 2008... so close!!), the iraq war, rendition, global warming, but i haven't heard as much about the surface mining of the appalachian mountains. unfortunately, i don't know many people in appalachia, but i can't begin to imagine how this is affecting people in the area... having the beautiful, green, leafy mountains decapitated... left desolate, barren, and brown, leaking toxic sludge into the native rivers and streams. your fall hike or summer camping trip, cut abruptly short by the tragic disappearance of the mountain you visited every year since your childhood. clouds of toxic dust drifting down from the mountains that used to provide fresh, clean air. its amazing to me that i've heard so little about this from major media sources... and that for decades our government has allowed coal companies to batter and destroy one of our most beautiful and bountiful natural treasures.

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dangerously addictive

free rice

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sweet jiminy christmas! i'm sorry for that downer of a post. i've been a little masochistic of late. my mom had a bit of a downturn in her health, and i haven't really wanted to talk about it in any other setting. for some reason, i get really defensive whenever anyone asks me how my mom is doing. like if i say she's doing anything less than "okay" i have to go into the whole thing... and the whole thing just hurts too much to talk about. i don't want to bring people down. and so far, things really aren't too bad. my mom has had some digestion problems, but it's more likely that they are the result of her surgery early this year than the cancer spreading. of course, every time i think about it, i start to think about the worst possible outcome... which doesn't really make sense given that most of this past weekend i got to be with my mom... talk to her... walk in the woods with her... and to listen to her talk to me. there's no reason i should dwell on future possibilities when right now ain't too bad. yeah, it's been better, but i know it's been worse, too. no matter what, i am not going to be able to be with my mom forever, and every moment i spend worrying about the future is a moment that i'm not enjoying the present.

anyway, all good resolutions aside, i'm doing a little better. i'm watching "the office" (btw, season one was pretty dang funny) and reading my book... and now that the weather is turning colder, i am back in the mood to knit. i just discovered this amazingly fun knitter... it's a shame that none of you folks knit because this looks like it's gonna be fun.

fiction

i think i realize why i might be so addicted to this (not-so)little sci-fi series of mine. sometimes fiction allows you to explore times and places you would never otherwise experience... sometimes it offers you a glimpse of your own time and place from a perspective you hadn't taken... and sometimes fiction just takes you out of your own life for a little while. i used to be able to escape in my dreams... in my dreamworld i was someone else or somewhere else where my mom wasn't sick. but now my mom's cancer has infiltrated my dreams. i dream of her dying. when we got back from germany, i had a dream where i remember saying to my dad, "she was so healthy when we were in germany, but she was never the same after that." i couldn't shake that line from my mind after i woke up. the next day, when i asked her how she was feeling, she said she was okay, but a little "uncomfortable." this was the first time she hadn't felt well since she stopped chemo several weeks before. shortly thereafter, she went for a series of scans and bloodtests that showed that the cancer had progressed... some, but not much. she was allowed to start anvirzel -- a non-traditional cancer treatment that is in clinical trials -- which she could start at home, to see how that would go. we were hopeful. since then she has felt more "uncomfortable," and sometimes downright crummy. after a call to her doctor this morning, we learned that her tumors might be interfering with her digestion again, and she should probably get back on chemo asap. i try not to be superstitious, but i can't help but fear that my dream was an omen. i keep crying whenever i think about it... and all i want to do is pick up my silly sci-fi book and escape to a world where all they have to worry about is the keeper of the dead banishing all life to the underworld.

happy 33rd babycakes!!

my mil is 33 today. hard to believe when you see him in a crowd of 20-somethings. his backpack and buzz cut are the perfect camouflage for his wisdom and maturity... well, "maturity" might be a stretch, but he sure is cute... and smart!



i'm sorry to be a bit flaky with the posting of late. i wish i could say that i'm up to exciting things, but it's really just this series of pulp sci-fi books i've become addicted to. i'm on book 2 of 12 (and each book is about 700-1000 pages). i would tell you what i'm reading, but i'm just too embarassed. the guy on the back of the book looks like a total sci-fi snob (pony-tail, black shirt... angry look on his face...) is it strange that i want my authors to look nice and approachable? is a smile too much to ask?

moopinions

i'm sure you were depressed by the lack of political "dialogue" here lately. i know many come for my insightful and provocative political discourse... well, today i shall appease. today, politics comes to my doorstep. my stomping grounds for the last 12 years have been taken over by armed secret-servicemen, nypd, and, of course, a field of protesters. where am i in this? safely ensconced in my medieval dungeon/fallout shelter, untouched by the hullabaloo above. this safety (and soundproofing) doesn't protect me, however, from thoughts of what goes on outside. as i rode the subway up here, anxious about whether the security guard would accept my 2-year old student id (thank you for your concern -- he didn't even blink at the "2005" sticker), i puzzled at my unusual ambivalence about my university's invitation to a certain iranian president. many are up in arms that such an offensive, callous, anti-american, likely insane, and definitely dangerous political leader would be invited to an academic discussion on an american campus. i agree that the man is atrocious in his words and actions which have led to bloodshed the world over. i cringe that this invitation from a ivy-league institution will be added to his list of accomplishments and honors. i am saddened that some will see this invitation as a reflection of his worth and international esteem. at the same time i worry that the united states has become a victim of its own ignorance. in our fear, we have put up a wall between ourselves and the rest of the world... especially the middle east. bush was able to dupe most of the country into believing that saddam hussein was the leader of al qaeda because the american news and american educators seem to think we don't need to know what is happening in the rest of the world or hear perspectives of those who don't agree with our leaders. that said, i don't believe that ahmadinejad will say anything new or genuine on his visit to columbia today. as usual, he will dodge the truth and claim innocence where there is none to be had. he will puff himself up and avoid difficult questions. but he will have been given a freedom here that few in tehran can enjoy today. the freedom to speak even when your opinions are offensive to the people of that country and contradict those of our leaders without fear of retribution or censorship. perhaps i am naive, but it seems almost impossible for there not to be a little understanding gained from this experience. a little knowledge to be gained both by us and by him....

ok, i just stepped out to hear the man himself. it was interesting. apparently, they have no gays in iran like we do here in the states. i would write more, but after an hour and a half of writing about and listening to the ahmadinejad talk, I should get back to work.

german mosquitos

after one week in germany, i can tell you, with great certainty, that germany has a lot of mosquitos. i thought houston had a lot of mosquitos, but those puny houston mosqitos have nothing on the larger, darker, german variety. five days later, i can still point out every bite i received as i attempted to sleep inside of my cozy featherbed. my dad even went so far as to buy bug spray for us to wear at night because they also don't seem to have air conditioning in germany. it is therefore necessary to sleep with the window open to avoid melting underneath your featherbed.

despite the nighttime air attacks, we had a wonderful time in germany -- marred only by mil's absence. the moosk clan (sans mil) boarded a evening plane to germany last week in order to witness the nuptials of our german cowboy cousin. the wedding was a 10-hour affair replete with log-cutting, plate-smashing, butterfly-releasing, horseback-riding, disco dancing, and of course plenty of drinking -- these are germans. the highlight was the midnight balloon release (trying not to think of all the red balloon carcasses that would be littering the hilly countryside the next morning), accompanied by sparklers and a hot air balloon release (a mere kilometer from the local nuclear powerplant). unfortunately, i had already put my camera to bed by that point, so i didn't get any photos... it's unfortunate.

the rest of the week was spent visiting relatives and eating... lots of eating. i figure i can recreate the entire trip for mil by taking him to hallo berlin and feeding him meat and spatzle until he explodes. for your non-gustatory enjoyment, i have made a little flickr slideshow of the trip here.

cake

i like cake... though after four days of picking at the same cake, i'm almost ready to see it go. this is mil's "happy first week of medical school" cake. doesn't it look delicious? wouldn't you apply to medical school just to have a taste? of course you would.

i'm still hard at work trying to figure out where we're going to live, and mil is still hard at work trying to keep his head above that steadily growing pile of books. apparently medical school isn't all that easy. go figure. i'm doing my best to be a happy, supportive wife, but for those of you who know me well, you know it's not always easy for me to keep my mouth shut... "you want to get up when on saturday morning?" it should really be illegal to set an alarm on a saturday morning unless you have to catch a plane. it's just plain wrong.

while mil and i tough it out in the hot and grimy city, my folks are off to italy for a week of homemade meals and wines fresh from the barrel. after the last few months they deserve the vacation as much as anyone could, but i wouldn't have minded if they stowed me away with their carry-on luggage. but since that didn't happen, i guess i'll have to satisfy myself with this leftover cake.

i just don't know anymore...

i'm sure most of you saw this video... and this op-ed... both are painful reminders of how poorly planned and devastatingly costly this war of ours is. i'm not sure what to do with this information. i feel like all my cries for an end to the war or at the very least a level-headed, efficient, non-politically-motivated effort to reduce the human cost of the war fall on deaf ears. i'm sick of the politics... the back-scratching and party-line-toting that have overrun congress and the white house. we need a solution, and no one seems prepared to accept that there is a compromise needed... we will never "win" this war in any sense of the term. the mistake has been made (despite many american outcries long before this started), and now it is time to cut our losses and to give the iraqi people whatever security we can without entrenching ourselves any deeper into the problem. i recognize that i am not the best person to come up with this plan, but I believe that there once was a team of politically-diverse, international policy experts charged with coming up with a plan. nine months later it seems their plan has been resolutely ignored. almost like the war itself... i guess it's just much less depressing to talk about the mortgage crisis.

alone...

so, this is what it's like being married to a med student. so far it's been two days, and i'm already lonely. sad, right? i was a happy single woman -- i'm sure i can find a way to be a happy med student's wife. it's just weird when you're used to talking to someone... oh... six... seven times a day, to suddenly hear from him once and see him only briefly as i drift off to sleep. it stinks. i have dreams of taking up painting again and maybe tae kwon do. but so far, i'm supposed to be finding a new place to live. problem is, the market is nuts. despite all the mortgage upheaval people are still rushing to brooklyn to buy places. and the rental market is even worse. i don't know what the heck we're going to do.

the good news is we have a car. crazy, right? we have a vehicle that could whisk us away from manhattan ta a moments notice... well, assuming that there's miraculously no traffic. needless to say, we're very excited. now i just need a place to drive it.

hi!

remember me? moosk? i'm here... well, sort of. i'm typing into blogger at least. that's a start. things around here are a little roller-coaster-like, but generally good. mil is super excited about starting med school next week... we're getting a car (really!). i'm looking for a place to live in brooklyn. um... mom's still doing pretty well... she seems to have this chemo thing down (though that probably just means that they'll change something up on her next week).

yeah... so that's it. (i've also been reading harry potter and playing this... but let's pretend i'm doing more interesting things.) that's why i haven't had time to stop in here (or make plans to visit marblehead!). but, things will change. mil will start school, and i'll be bored and want to write (and visit marblehead)... of course then i'll have nothing to write about... but that's never stopped me before.

hello from slumberland

this last hour of work is going to kill me. my left contact lens feels like it has a small samurai sword stuck to the inside it that will not wash off no matter how many times i douse it with cold water. surely by now i look like that poor, pink-eyed kid from invader zim after all my poking and prodding. on top of all this i feel like at any given moment there's about a 50% chance that my head is going to come crashing down onto my keyboard in a fit of complete boredom.

i know i haven't written here lately, and, yes, tsk-tsk, moosk. my two loyal reader have now left me for good, i fear. there's no particularly good excuse for the hiatus. busy, work, travel, you know... and it's summer. who wants to think and write when it's summer outside? not me.

by now, i'm sure you've heard the news. mil has been accepted to "real" med school... you know, one where they award you an m.d. he's very pleased... especially since it was his first choice amongst the remaining contenders. i'm very pleased because it means i get to move to brooklyn and be closer to my small cluster of friends. this is especially good since i don't know how much i'll be seeing of good ole' mil once his first semester of med school starts. and while i enjoy izzy's company, i think a small amount of human socialization is a good thing.

anyway, back to the void for me... hope ya'll are having a happy july.

back from paradise

a & d on the kalalau trail
Originally uploaded by atb20.

we hiked. we snorkeled. we went on a boat trip around the ne pali mountains. and it was good.

we saw sea turtles, brightly colored fish, dolphins, flying fish, and a skittish little octopus. mil actually saw a shark, too, but i wasn't fast enough. the whole pointing and grunting thing just didn't work for me. if you're interested in the photos from the trip, i've made a little set here.

we're actually in houston now and still a little jet-lagged, so that's all for now...

can i tell you how hard it is to concentrate on work when you know that you're leaving for hawai'i at the end of the week? soooo hard. i don't know how i'm expected to accomplish anything. any tips?

btw, this is where we're staying for a week. i wish i could take a picture of my dank, deary underground office, but i think it would come up on wikipedia as "the complete antithesis of hawaii." 'tis that indeed...

back in the game

i've decided that it's time i get back into life. my mom's illness has taken a lot out of me since last december, but i can't let it take everything out of me. i know that i will have my ups and downs, but if i don't make the decision to live my life, no one else will pick it up and do it for me. i'm going to concentrate on making myself healthier and start focusing on what i should be doing with my life. i feel like there are two easy courses for me to take right now: 1) working with my father in real estate and 2) staying at cu... maybe finding a full-time gig. both have their advantages... but i'm not sure either is right for me. i still think about social work and how good it felt to be out there, trying to help improve people's lives. i want to make sure that whatever i'm doing, i feel like i'm working to make the world a little better.

in the same vein, i want to get back into politics. i left it by the wayside after the last election because i didn't particularly like working for moveon -- mostly because of my own fear of telephones, not because of anything they did. but cindy sheehan's resignation and the passing of this most recent war bill by numerous democrats reminded me of how complacent i've been. i haven't been keeping up with any of the back and forth on the various proposals to end the war, and i haven't been calling my congressmen/woman to let them know when i want them to vote a particular way. i have been focusing on my own personal struggles without remembering that many parents are still losing their children and children are losing their parents in an unnecessary war. why is the war still lingering on when 58% of americans are against it?

well, i hope my new resolutions will also mean i'll be posting here more. i've missed my own little place in the blogosphere... and my three loyal readers!

she blinded me with science

or should i say i'm boring myself to tears with research... that's more accurate. as you may have noticed, i haven't posted in a while. things have been fumbling along in my life. i've gone to houston several more times and austin once... and pennsylvania once. they were all good visits. two of the times i got to see lmsp. they still don't get much cuter.

mm... so cute.

things with my mom are ok... could be better, could be worse. she's had some metastesis to her liver (not good), but she's still feeling good and looking good which is great. she's convinced she's going to beat this thing, so we're all trying to stay convinced of that, too. heck, when you see her, it's really hard to believe she's sick at all. we partied it up for her 60th birthday (hence the visits to pa and austin).

now i'm just trying to sort through the various pieces of my life and figure out what's next. i'm pretty darn sure i'm not long for the psychology world, but i haven't figured out exactly what's next... it doesn't help that mil's on the waitlist for his top two schools, so who knows when we'll figure out where we're even living. meanwhile, the townhouse project has been moving at a snail's pace. we demo'd 3+ months ago, and we have yet to officially select our contractor... argh! in the meantime, my dad's started a project that might turn into something bigger and more full-time... we shall see...

lately the title of my blog seems more and more apropos. i don't know if it's the proximity of my 30th birthday or the frequent visits to houston, but lately, i've been thinking a lot about my childhood... and how long ago it's starting to feel. nothing in houston is quite the same as i remember it. my old high school has snagged up the few parking lots and grassy knolls on its property to build more "performing arts centers" and libraries... the scrappy little league field where i spent my elementary school evenings slurping down sno-cones is now chock full of fancy, well-manicured batting cages and ball fields. even the little 1950s grocery store where the minister's daughter and i used to spend our pocket change on packages of pillsbury cookie dough, has turned into a trendy little cafe. not to mention that a boy i went to high school with has moved into a house across the street from my parents... with his wife and child. i know i'm married... and thinking about having kids, but somehow it doesn't quite seem real until someone i haven't seen since i was worried about who i'd ask to "junior girls" or what happened on 90210 shows up in front of my parents house with a stroller.