reprieve

park slope in fall
Originally uploaded by atb20.

thank you, election day... the random holiday our school allows. of course, i still have field, so my reprieve is all too brief, but i've already voted and vacuumed the apartment (let's not mention that i should be working on my midterm due next week), and here i am writing in my blog.
**
despite my brief bout of self-pity, the weekend was actually quite nice. it started when my friend, astrophysicist came over with the fixins for tofu curry and the first season of "lost." -- i'm a lucky lady. (mil and i are now thoroughly hooked.) saturday we went to a friend's baby shower, and i saw "jersey boys" with crimson. sunday i got to enjoy a gorgeous fall day in brooklyn with the gals. all in all it was a fun if not too successful weekend (namely because i got about five minutes of homework done.)

anyway, i knew you were dying to know what happened... so there you go. here's to a happy election day for all!

recovery

so, things are better today. my boss (#1) never ceases to surprise me. he's a hard-liner, known in the department for his uncanny ability to pitch a fit when he feels like it, but whenever i start hating myself for being a dunce he says something nice and charming... like this time, after a weekend of pouting and self-pity, he said he could tell from my email that i was wasting my limited energy feeling bad about this hotel business and that i shouldn't -- all would be ok. phew.
**
now that that's off of my mind, i'm once again wondering what's next. what the hell am i going to do with myself once this school thing is over with. how in the world am i going to be wife, mother, and primary breadwinner once mil starts school? has anyone mastered this? as daunting as life is now, i can only imagine that it will get more so once mil and i decide to procreate, yet i can't imagine my life without little mils and moosks running around. i feel like the world of today is utterly inhospitable to families. if you want to be taken seriously in your given industry -- man or woman, you're expected to forsake all other obligations in deference to the almighty dollar. (and the d*mn republicans think that homosexuals and abortions are the biggest threat to the american family...grr...) i'm sorry, but i've spoken with individuals all over the economic spectrum, and none of them have mentioned the fact that homosexuals can adopt children or raped teenagers can get abortions as their primary difficulty in raising just, capable children. no, of all the issues my friends, family, and acquaintances have mentioned, time and money are the common denominator. no parent i know complains of spending too much time with their children. why is the american system set up such that people must chose between their families and their careers? isn't the ideal situation one in which we can have both? time with our families -- to raise them with values, humility, and self-esteem -- and time to earn money and satisfy our own individual potential? i guess what i'm saying is that i want to turn this personal frustration into action. i want to find a way to use my social work skills to approach business in america... now if only i could figure out how...

momentary dispair

izzy 1
Originally uploaded by atb20.

for a while there, i had myself convinced that i was making it all work... the school, the internship, the work. i was worse for the wear, but i was doing it. i was going to have an msw without the crippling student loans and then, next fall, i could rest. then yesterday i got an email from my boss... it was a simple, pleasant email -- just checking to see why he received a charge for a hotel he didn't stay at. somehow this little, one-sentence email sent me into dispair because despite the fact that he cancelled this trip months before he was supposed to take it, i entirely forgot to cancel his hotel reservation, forgetting, in fact, that i ever made a hotel reservation. will this omission cost me my job? likely not. what it cost me was my sense of capability, my sense that i was superwoman (as my pajamas told me i was) and i could keep all these balls in the air without diminishing my performance at any one of them. what's frightening is that this omission happened over a month ago when i was still functioning at a higher level. at this point, my back aches, my head aches, i haven't exercised in years, and i have this cold or allergy or something that keeps me permanently stuffed up. on top of all this, i think i've seen mil all of five hours this weekend. he works till 8:30pm friday night, gets up for a 9am dentist appointment on saturday and comes home from studying at 8pm while i'm out at a play with a friend. this morning he awoke at 6:30am to get to his first MCAT prepcourse which will keep him out of the house till after 4pm. i don't know how he's doing it, but the fact that he's even busier than im just makes me feel worse. i want my weekends to be a release from my busy work week. i want to be able to make plans to see friends or go apple-picking upstate or see my folks and know that my favorite person will be able to do those things with me. instead i have to choose: do i make no plans so i can see mil for the few minutes that he's home or do i make plans and miss him when he has a brief break from his busy schedule? i sound so selfish when i write this because i know he's even busier than i am and therefore things are likely much more difficult for him (hell, he doesn't even have the luxury of that choice), but some days i just feel like roadkill, and as empathetic as i try to be, i can't help feeling sorry for myself.

tomorrow's another day, though. and i like to believe it can only get better...

the end...

tanzania
Originally uploaded by Isus.

...is not in sight.
**
in day-to-day life, i think i'm a reasonably sane person. for better, or for worse, i tend to be on the boring side of normal. i don't save my navel lint, or talk to myself in public places, or wash my hands 100 times before leaving my apartment. hell, the other day my father asked me what my worst childhood memory was, and all i could come up with was the time he called me "sh*thead." (and that was a joke -- one he'd love to tell you if you're interested.)

that said, when i go to sleep, i turn into a veritable loon. mil and i have had our worst arguments in our sleep... last night was no exception, except i have some memory of what happened. i was dreaming that i was seeing a child who's mother thought he was possessed. she had me watch this video of the kid standing at the top of the stairs saying "redrum" in a really creepy voice (it was a dream, people, so don't fault me for my lack of creativity). in the dream, i was very rational, referring to television programs, etc. that could have caused this kind of behavior, but i was creeped out enough that as i was analyzing this child's behavior i was forcably waking myself up. as i was gaining consciousness, i heard a man's voice talking as if a radio had been left on in the other room. it was hard to make out, and i was trying to figure out where the voice was coming from as i realized that it wasn't a man's talking, but my husband snoring. since i was still in my insane, sleep state, i was convinced that mil was trying to gaslight me -- or more specifically try to make me possessed. i was convinced i was going to start seeing satan's face in the shadows of our room a la "the exorcism of emily rose." fortunately, as the sleep-state faded reason returned, and i offered mil a loving nudge before returning to slumberland.

propanda is fun!

if you aren't a regular reader of sweet juniper, may i highly recommend dutch's most recent post on rob pongi. now that's some creepy sh*t.

duh...

woozy
Originally uploaded by atb20.

picture this: drool oozing out of a slack mouth, hair in shambles, dark circles under the eyes... that's how i feel. i can't remember what happened five minutes ago, let alone yesterday (about which i'm supposed to be writing a process recording - blech.) i'm staring straight ahead figuring that somehow i'll survive till thanksgiving, and then.. and then it's only a couple of weeks till winter break. hallelujah! (moosk finds religion.)
**
has anyone seen the ads for next week's "trading spouses"? i didn't see this week's episode, but i saw an ad for the culmination which happens next week. if you see this ad, if you see this woman, remember this is who wants to decide the reproductive rights of all american women... this is the kind of person who wants homosexuals to be confined to second class citizenship. i'm not sure if it's scary.. or hilarious. perhaps when you're done crying (or screaming) you just have to laugh.

happy halloween

jack
Originally uploaded by atb20.

interlude

so true... so true...

mil and i spent yesterday sleeping late, eating yummy egg tacos and fake sausage, and watching zim, but thankfully, yesterday was the end of daylight savings time, so even after all of that, it was only noon. we still had plenty of time to carve our pumpkin and kick around some fall leaves. we even went so far as to punish ourselves by visiting the puppy store on the east side. it was nice...

now it's monday -- even more beautiful than it was yesterday, and i am consigned to my underground dungeon. to add insult to injury some alito guy, nick-named "scalito" thanks to similarity to scalia, was just nominated to o'connor's seat on the SCOTUS. it just ain't fair...

a lesson learned

just because a film has a picture of a clown on it's cover, doesn't mean it's going to be cute or funny. remember "it" -- was that funny? "saw"? yeah, i didn't think so...


i should know by now that fellini is not known for his uplifting films, particularly any of the ones that star giulietta masina. visually stirring? yes. light? not so much. if you are looking for a break from those morbid, irksome characters of "six feet under," fellini is not your man.

danke schoen

brr... it's chilly out there. i walked mil to school this morning, so he could meet up with his orgo study group. (the man is nothing if not serious.) on my way back, i discovered that not only had fall come to central park...


...but the annual halloween fest had come as well, including a virtual pumpkin patch.


i love this time of year in ny. this is why i left texas. we didn't have fall in houston -- we had summer and "winter." no cold snap where the leaves turn brilliant shades of orange and yellow. just green, then brown, then gone. halloween is my favorite holiday in new york because it isn't really cold yet, the tourists haven't started flocking to town, and all the youngsters put on ridiculously adorable costumes and prance around the park.

dreams

Venice: Grand Canal
Originally uploaded by Henk still here.

i started a post about the lack of news coverage of the florida hurricane... you know how people in the most populated areas in florida are looking forward to a month without electricity or running water and you can't find it in any major news source. i just couldn't get into it, so...

i'm happy right now. i lived through my first acs report. it's friday. mil got a good grade on the physics exam he thought he bombed, so he's happy, too. i'm married to a kick-ass (if a little too busy) guy. i have friends i really enjoy. i have folks who like to hang out with mil and me, and take us out to fancy dinners on occasion to remind us that there restaurants other than "new taco express."

the only thing that eats into my happiness when i have a moment of worry to spare is the lack of money... not that we have much time to spend it, but it would be nice to at least be able to dream about a romantic trip to italy or a weekend getaway to maine. as it is, we're not sure how we're going to get to the last wedding on our schedule. last night over (a lovely french) dinner, my mom said, "oh, did you know we're going to paris?" "um, no." "the other weekend we were out with our (other semi-retired) friends, and one of us said -- 'hey, why don't we all go to paris?' and we said, 'why not?' so we're going in december. we're going to stay at the george sanc." "oh... that sounds nice." "i found the best dress, too..." it's amazing how easily my once bohemian mom has settled into the new york scene i can only dream about. i still like to live vicariously, imagining that someday mil will be a wealthy neurologist and i will be regaling our kids with stories about how we are jetting off to ravello, and staying at palazzo sasso, and i have the best dress...

night and day

フルーツヨーグルトパフェ
Originally uploaded by Kanko'.

it's amazing to me that they can call lowfat yogurt and full-fat yogurt the same thing... i can enjoy both, but if i'm expecting full-fat, and i get low fat, i am always sorely disappointed. if, like me, you've stuck to low-fat since the diet craze of the early 90s, it's time to try yogurt's most fattening and delicious incarnation -- whole milk yogurt with cream on top.... mmm.... heaven.

greying

ok, so i needed to stop seeing that post that refers to my acne -- specifically since the way that i titled it, one would think that i had acne all over my back (rather than that the acne i once had was "back" -- ahh, d*mn homonyms...).
**
so back to my usual flavor, i met a kid the other day who remarked that i had grey hair and he hoped that i knew it. gotta love those adolescents trying to stick-it to us old folks. i was, in fact, well aware that i have grey hair, and i find it distinguished. i actually can't wait until i have a full head of gleaming grey strands (and it looks like that will be happening any day now thanks to my daily stress level) -- brown is just so "last year." anyway, so adolescent then went on to ask how old i was. when i told him, he guffawed, "28!?! 28?? i thought you were like 40!" great... more proof that my body is growing to match my emotional age...
**
final note on "six feet under." mil and i just finished watching the fourth season, i believe. i was a little disappointed. i've heard the series finale is quite a jaw-dropper, so i will most definitely netflix season five, but i feel like all of these plot turns and twists take away from the character development. i mean they just dump so many ridiculous fiascos on each character in every episode (at least in seasons 3 & 4) that you rarely get a glimpse of who these people were before their father died, and why you should give a sh*t what happens to them. i remember really connecting with the characters at the beginning of the series, but now they are so frail and pathetic that i'm ready to watch them die and end their misery. maybe that's the point. happy. time to watch more family guy...

back-ne

baby ensemble
Originally uploaded by atb20.

i've noticed that i spend a great deal of time writing about how old i've been feeling lately, so i thought i'd spend a moment today writing about how i've regressed -- specifically on my epidermis. somehow at age 28 i have redeveloped acne that i haven't seen since age 18. thanks to the hormones i took in my single years, acne became a thing of the past. now that i've shunned hormones in favor of more natural, less protective birth-control methods, they've become a thing of the present. perhaps it was giving back all the clogged subaceous glands that were subdued by the progestin and estrogen i ingested during those years. i don't know, but it sucks... having grey hair and acne at the same time.
**
perhaps you're wondering about the little purple items shown above. they are the culmination of a weekend of knitting... (and, yes, it was fabulous.) together, they constitute the cutest things i've ever knit.

city living

view from our apartment
Originally uploaded by atb20.

i began to sense that i wasn't destined to be a manhattan girl forever when a friend who years ago left the city for a more idyllic setting came to visit and remarked how awesome our view was. my response was, "really? -- you have an ocean outside your window, and you're admiring our view of the time warner center??" i was perplexed. high-rise living was not what i had in mind when i first moved to nyc. i had visions of life in a tenement building or brownstone with a flower box outside my window and a quirky neighbor. i pictured weekends spent sipping coffee at the diner a la suzanne vega's "toms diner." or weekends on a parkbench sifting through the times with an old friend like paul simon. in part these visions came to life. i've sat in many diners and on many a park bench in my day but still haven't had the pleasure of a flower-box and my neighbors rarely say more than 'hello.' there's no kramer who barges in unannounced or weekday lunches with the gals in some trendy village cafe. i love new york, but i'm still trying to fit it into that eighteen-year old's vision of what it should be. maybe it's time to cut bait and move out to cheaper quarters? or maybe it's just time update my vision?

beginning of the end

Doomsday
Originally uploaded by Petri Tuohimaa.

some folks point to the frightening number of human deaths at the hands of mother nature in recent months as foreshadowing of the end of days. perhaps there is some truth there... doubtless, human beings will eventually die off -- quite possibly at the hands of mother nature as a big ole f- you to all those folks who didn't "believe in" global warming. but, personally, i don't think that's the biggest sign of the coming apocolypse. for me, it's situations like these that foretell a fate worse than death:

- an individual living in my building (and therefore wise enough to hold some kind of a job and feed him/herself on a regular basis) left streaks of dog feces in the elevator for friends and neighbors to enjoy on their way to work on friday morning. my guess is that informing the doorman of a "clean up in elevator #3" was just too far out of the way for him/her.

- a man on the subway friday evening, who was playing his music so loud i could hear if from several seats away. this is merely bothersome, as was the fact that he chose to grunt whenever anyone sat down on the bench he was on because it meant that he might have to splay his legs only two feet apart instead of his more comfortable three (nevermind that the entire train was packed door-to-door). no, what made me fear for the fate of mankind was when he chose to shove his bag into an elderly woman's back as he attempted to dash out of the packed train. the shove was so forceful that the woman arched her back and gasped in surprise, to which the kind man responded, "f- you lady -- maybe if you moved outta the way!"

- the final indicator of doom is actually an event reported by a third party, and to maintain anonymity, some specifics are left out. a friend mentioned to an acquaintance that they should go out to celebrate a recent achievement in acquaintance's life. friend, being somewhat of a gastronome, had previously mentioned one of his favorite snazzy restaurants, so it was agreed that that's where they should go. not wanting to dine alone with acquaintance, friend invited a couple other acquaintances that they had in common in order to mitigate some of acquaintance's less pleasant qualities. dinner itself was enjoyed by all, and acquaintance partook of several glasses of pricey wine. as the check came, friend asked acquaintance how he'd like to pay for his portion, and acquaintance responded, "i'm not paying!" with a look of shock on his face. friend grasped for a response, "um, i hadn't planned to pay for you... i can treat you to your wine, though." (nice gesture to no avail.) "no. i am not paying for this. you said you were taking me out." at this point he is getting quite worked up -- to the point where the others at the table are uncomfortable and people in the restaurant take notice. acquaintance is so unwilling to pay for his meal that one of the other guests offers to chip in on his meal to end the scene. friend, not wanting to upset things further, declines the offer and pays for the entirety of acquaintance's meal and wine -- much to the chagrin of his fiancee (and primary breadwinner).

no, these events are not as frightening or humbling as the events of recent months, but they serve to prove that there is some basic sense of respect and decency missing from a portion of the human population. as this proportion grows, my hope diminishes. perhaps that commune idea wasn't half bad...

rambling wo-man

Cow & Tree
Originally uploaded by DaveC71.

all's quiet on the friday front. i can barely keep my eyes open and all i want to do is be lazy and watch movies, and i can't believe it's only 4:30. how is that?? i feel like it should be 6:30.
here are the movies that i would be watching if i could be... and, yeah, i'm not limiting myself to movies.

1. amelie
2. x-files
3. beautiful girls
4. shopgirl
5. the squid and the whale
6. six feet under
7. ma vie en rose
8. blue... and red... not really white.
9. secrets and lies
10. when harry met sally
11. coupling (season 3.. or 4, i forget)
12. splash
13. love, actually
14. um... anything

and i'd be knitting... this.

you'll be happy to learn that today i woke up on time and i showered. yes, i think a pat-on-the-back is in order...

has anyone here ever thought about checking out of society and starting your own commune? you know raising your own cows and chickens and sheep (for the wool, of course)? keeping a seasonal vegetable garden in your backyard in vermont or something? having a neighbor with a vineyard or a brewery, so you can spice things up every now and again. sometimes it seems like a good idea. yay, and now it's 5:10!

office mate

pink & grey blur
Originally uploaded by atb20.

so this little goober is with me today. since i forgot to turn on my alarm and woke up about ten minutes before i was supposed to leave, i skipped the shower and the usual izzy cuddle time. out of guilt, i brought her in to work with me -- because she's such a great help, you know. first, she proceeded to take my breakfast and smear it all over my notebook and me. then part of me channeled mil and said, "hey, why don't you put her in her cage while you eat breakfast?" she wouldn't have any of it with wings and yogurt flying everywhere.

after breakfast was eaten and dishes (shirt, and notebook) were cleaned, she was freed once again from her torturous cage. (for some reason, while her cage at home is a safe haven from the scary noises of sneezes and telephone rings, this office cage is pure hell and requires constant running around and banging of the beak against the bars until either someone allows her to be freed or she figures it out for herself.) anyway, after all this productivity, izzy decided that she needed to sit on every surface of the office, including, but not limited to, my chair, my desk, my keyboard, my knee, her cage door, the floor, the printer, the book shelves... you get the idea. yes, and now i'm writing in my blog, so enormous productivity all around.

recycled coeds

ph20050801_19
Originally uploaded by Je m'appelle Sheri.

so, walking through the picturesque fall campus this morning, i briefly recognized a scruffy young fellow from my philosophy major days. just last week i saw my friend, politician, walking in front of me in his trademark track pants and lanky, self-assured gait. the strange thing is that neither of those people i remember still go to school here -- they haven't for over six years. but these same archetypes still exist in the columbia undergrad student body of today. moments after seeing scruffy philosophy major, i crossed paths with the buff, jock-lady basketball players. at least that's what they would have been in my day. they still travel in pairs... it's strange to me that the undergrads look so familiar to me. it's as if time has stood still and only i've gotten older. what's more frightening than running across reincarnations of friends and acquaintances, is that someday i'll find myself face-to-face with the me of six years ago. what will i think of what i see? most frightening would be to run into the me of six years from now and find her still frequenting the same campus (with the same pathetically small paycheck).

childing

Country Road
Originally uploaded by Jeannot7.

as i think about what the next few years are going to be like for mil and me (and how they are right now), i wonder why i feel so compelled to have children so soon. yes, 28 is precariously close to 30 when female bodies may or may not start making childing more difficult. yes, several close friends have become pregnant in recent months, and it seems quite exciting. but realistically, many women have children long after 30, and many more of my friends are nowhere near childing. chances are these are just rationalizations of more ingrained life changes.

perhaps its the first "tick" of the infamous biological clock. possible. it's also possible that the successful completion of life task #1, "find a mate," has left me ready for life task #2, "make babies." this seems rather reasonable, too.

the question for me is: who's right? the instinctual me that wants to make babies and be this inimitable earth-mother, planting a vegetable garden in the backyard (that doesn't exist) and knitting baby clothes while mil teaches them their abcs. or the rational me who realizes that it will be years before we can afford the money for a backyard and the time to sit and teach our kids their abcs. is it thoughtless and selfish of me to want to get started in less than a year?

at this point, i don't know, but i'll keep you posted. now it's back to all that school-work that does nothing to pay the bills.

random thoughts on a rainy friday

Damp Crossing #2
Originally uploaded by waterhot.

- wantingness previously mentioned is greatly reduced by working two jobs, taking two classes, and two days of internship

- husbands are best enjoyed in person

- a rainy friday morning can be greatly improved by a cinnamon-cheese muffin and a cup of coffee

- rain (particularly dirty, city, work-day rain) is better enjoyed from indoors

- knitting is very healthy as far as addictions are concerned

- sleep should occupy at least eight hours of my day

holy crap!

sometimes i'm just amazed by politicians... namely politicians who happen to be overtaking the american government these days. does this not go against every fiber of your being? red, blue, black, white, whatever?

a new orleans bus driver with intestinal cancer is seeking to continue his chemo while he is in baton rouge awaiting his return home and to his job. because his job currently doesn't exist, his health care coverage runs out at the end of the month. since this is only one of many cases like this resulting from katrina, the senate is attempting to meet the need:

in the senate, a bipartisan bill would open medicaid - the federal program created to serve the needy - for tens of thousands of displaced people like wilson [the guy mentioned above] for up to 10 months. the bush administration opposes that, saying it would create a major new entitlement. (LATimes)

yeah... all i can say is "holy crap!"

confessions of a rude subway rider

Lawrence West
Originally uploaded by photojunkie.

yep. that's me. that obnoxious woman who pushes past to get a seat on a crowded train. the one who guards her post where she knows the doors will arrive with a fury often reserved for lifeboats. the lady who sighs audibly when you take too long to find your metrocard as you stand in front of the turnstile. the one who said "f*ck" several times when the cops asked to search my bag when i was late to work. the lady who knocked your arm with a stray knitting needle -- several times.

i wasn't always like this. when i first came to new york, i walked a normal gait; i side-stepped oncoming foot traffic; i let everyone else on the subway before i started looking for a seat. something happened though in those ten new york years. it wasn't full-fledged till i started working in times square, but its roots began the first time i rode a subway. i noticed that no one else stepped aside for me. no one kindly offered their chair when they noticed i was lugging several large packages roughly equivalent to my body weight. numerous little injustices built up the rude new york woman i am today. on days when i'm happy and well-rested the old me sometimes peeks her head as i offer a seat to a pregnant woman or choose not slam my bag into the guy who rushes in through the doors before i've had a chance to exit, but she disappears just as soon as she hears a sigh from the woman behind her as she searches for her subway card...

monday morning, 11am

wee orange
Originally uploaded by •pearl grace.

ugh... monday again. alright, i was trying to stay positive, keep my eyes focused forward, and not allow more than a moment for self-pity. afterall, so many people go through so much worse... the people of northern pakistan, for instance. then monday hit -- hit like a waterballoon launched squarely into the back of my head. the weekend was lovely... even the sitting around the apartment on sunday writing my paper while mil studied-up on orgo. but i meant to do so much more. i was going to call my friend who has both family in paakistan and family displaced by katrina. i was going to call another friend whose father graced the inimitable pages of "Continental" magazine. i was going to make plans with astrophysicist whom i haven't seen in weeks... none of this of course happened. i miss my friends. i miss having time to see them and hear their voices. i miss being able to veg-out on a weeknight without guilt. i want to go on a hike to see the leaves in connecticut or pick apples in new paltz, but i have papers to write and mil has exams to study for. in addition to the lack of free time, i'm now at the point where i can't keep my two bosses straight in my head... which one's on vacation? who needs his earthlink updated? which one needs a ticket to california at which time...?

anyway, i need to stop. thank you for letting me vent. eyes are now firmly averted from my navel. (ten more months... ten more months...)

dead can dance

lisa
Originally uploaded by atb20.

so we went... and it was as amazing as mil had made it out to be. maybe more so. rarely would i call a concert a religious experience, but this was definitely about as spiritual as i've ever felt. lisa gerrard's voice was nothing short of haunting -- i'm not sure i took a breath while she was on the stage. in addition to dead can dance, there was a full orchestra providing back-up. mil's face was lit-up the entire time. we were both completely enthralled, and i think my parents were as well.

the music is hard to compartmentalize. it is somewhere in the ethereal world between goth ahd world music with styles ranging from medieval to indian, to african, to irish folk, to country, to something that's purely dead can dance. really nothing to compare them to. if you're curious, amazon has a couple of tracks available.

my man

cue billie holiday.

my mil graduates to the 30+ club tomorrow. hard to believe that he was a mere babe of 25 when i met him. back then he was just recovering from a lifestyle of partying all night and sleeping all day with the beginnings of a normal 10-7 job. he lived in the far reaches of brooklyn with two cats and kleptomaniac roommate. his landlord was the barber downstairs who offered haircuts free of charge and only took cash for rent. his best friends were his barmates (including bestman) who had high OH tolerance and a taste for cajun. when i first met mil, i had nary a clue that this would be the man that i'd marry. hell, i wasn't even sure i'd date him given his party-boy lifestyle. fortunately, he adapted well to my lengthy sleeping habits and nerdy, ivy-league friends (though probably better to the latter than the former). he even dropped a nasty taste for menthol lights as he spent more and more nights at my cozy w. village studio. when i realize how different we were back then, it's amazing how much we've grown to be a part of one another. yin & yang. (or "john & yoko" depending on how you see it...) really, marriage just rocks.


happy birthday, baby.

yeah...

this morning i was reminded (and i will not explicate further for the sake of my loyal readers) of one of my favorite lines from absolutely fabulous--
eddy: is that what you want, saff?? a normal, old toilet-going mummy? "where's mum? she's on the toilet."

ah.. maybe you had to be there...
**
here's a shot from the concert last weekend.


the killers in blue
Originally uploaded by atb20.


mil and i are really excited about the one coming up though. it's going to be amazing. we're in the fifth row at radio city. tickets are still available if you want your socks knocked off.

sprint

see that kid over there to the right? that's what i feel like... tongue out, minnie hat in hand, shorty-shorts still in style (nair not even necessary). that's why it's so shocking to me when i look in the mirror and see this strange old woman with crows feet slowly settling in, grey hairs peaking out at her temples, and worries about checking account balances. is it really possible that in two years my fertility will have peaked? married? you have to be kidding! high school was just a couple of years ago (or ten). i can't possibly be old enough to be married. new york is still this strange, hip urban jungle i fantasized about from my pink, suburban bedroom. it can't be "home."

anyway, it's times like these that i miss my epistemology class where i was taught that i have no way of proving that i exist let alone that i'm 28 years old. (what's 28 years old? my memory? my wardrobe? surely not my cells!)
**
everyday's like sunday. "win yourself a cheap tray." share some greased tea with me. everyday's silent and grey.

gotta love morrissey.
**
here's the photo promised yesterday, btw...

Water Lilly
Originally uploaded by Jason Hightower.

sleepy...

i'm here, but boy, am i tired. don't ask me why. i had a pretty easy weekend, did minimal homework, and enjoyed several hours of reading on the couch, but still i be sleepy. my uncle suggested i exercise. my response was: i wake up at 7:30am, get to work/class by 9, get home at 7:30 - 8:30pm, make dinner, and if i can hold my eyelids open, i do about an hour of homework before it's 11pm and i have to go to bed, so uncle b, where the hell am i going to find time to exercise? nice... and i wonder why he only comes to visit once a year....

still no photos of my own. i'm sure noone else cares as much as i do. i think of all those fun pics just sitting on my camera waiting anxiously to be appreciated. poor little dears... i need a self-emptying camera if any of you techie-types are reading. not one of those darn photo printers where you just plug your camera in and it starts a-printing, but a computer program that automatically checks my camera for new photos (without plugging the darn thing in!) and downloads 'em. now that'd be cool.
**
anyway, i'll do my best to update later this week. maybe i'll drop off a flickr photo or two to spice things up... hope ya'll are digging the extra-long summer in NY (you know what that means for winter, right?)

i love fishes...

is it weird that i've been singing that jingle for the last two days substituting things such as "i love widgets cause they're so delicious! i love wid-gets." Yeah... don't answer that.
**
btw, if you haven't checked it out, flickr's explore page is amazing. some of the most beautiful shots i've ever seen. (i've been bringing a few of them here, but there are many more to enjoy.)

things i love

- mac os 10.4
- free speech
- being able to marry the person i love
- no premiums on my healthcare plan
- having a fuzzy pet that i don't have to walk
- parents that want to spend time with me
- friends that invite me to free concerts
- firefox
- widgets (i'm going widget-crazy)
- friends who love me even when i'm not very good about calling
- a job where i can wear jeans
- fall... yay fall!

Rainbow
Originally uploaded by nihilante.

railroaded

tacoma 3
Originally uploaded by brain tunnel.

well, as you can see i still haven't gotten to uploading my own pics. i tried last night, but i still have all the pics from the vermont wedding on my camera, so it took much longer than i had the patience for.
**
so, life in the fast lane is actually pretty decent. i'm exhausted, and the cold that i had three weeks ago seems to be lingering on into infinity, but i like to be busy. it makes me feel like this year will be over soon.

this placement i'm in is kicking my butt. i currently have 14 hours of field, and i have 7 clients. i've got a pretty even split between kids, adolescents, and adults which is cool, but it keeps me on my toes.
**
can i tell you how annoying these phone menus are? "do you have a confirmation number? if so, please tell me what it is. for example, if you have the confirmation number you could say 'five' (long pause) 'f as is frank' (another long pause, so you can digest what she's saying, because, you know, 'f' is a tough one) 'g as in george' (pause) 'seven' (pause) 'a as in apple' (infinite pause) 'x as in x-ray.' (pause, cause you still might not understand what she means by "x") Please say the number now. if you don't have a confirmation number, please say, 'i don't have a confirmation number'" By this point i'm screaming at the stupid *ss voice lady because if i try to talk over the message, they will say (in the most polite of voices), "I'm sorry. I was unable to understand what you said..." and repeat THE ENTIRE MESSAGE. i think i went through this about three times before i started screaming "AGENT!" in the phone. i'd better watch out, i might be seeing a therapist of my own very soon.

swimming upstream

Nature is playing with colors
Originally uploaded by Linda6769.

i'm doing my best not to become a mouth-breather, but these allergies are really getting to me. i hate having to breathe through my mouth. though i hate it even more when i can hear myself breath through my nose, so for now, mouth it is. or maybe i should start working on gills...
**
today was one of those days that started with a bang. i'd just had time to pour myself a (much needed) cup of joe, when prof #2 called reporting "computer problems." usually, "computer problems" require a brief visit to "system preferences" or the "library" and all is well, but i knew all was not well when i saw prof #2's brand new screen bopping around like it was on crack. eight hours of "apple care" later, i have now requested a "dispatch" from apple. (they like to make sure that they're not wasting anybody's time but yours by requesting various tests and "repairs" before declaring it a "problem" worthy of a real apple technician.)
**
anyway, that's been my wake-up call from a relatively laid-back weekend with the folks involving open house shopping and multiple rounds of ping-pong.

yum...

tasty
Originally uploaded by Mary Catherine.

so, one of these days i'll get back to posting my own photos, but lately i haven't had the energy to load them off of my camera. in the meantime, i'm paying tribute to folks with more talent than me (and oftentimes fancier cameras).

blueberry pancakes are one of my favorite weekend treats, only recently topped by lemon ricotta pancakes, but those don't photograph as well.
**
the folks finally decided against going to texas for the hurricane -- i mean, wedding. this is good. it means they won't have to deal with airports during an evacuation order, and i might get to escape the city for a few minutes. here's to hoping rita is much kinder than katrina... it's already taken 24 lives in texas, and it hasn't even hit land yet. that's a good sign...
**
a little poi for the weekend:
you should wear with pride the scars on your skin
they're a map of the adventures and the places you've been

this pretty much says it all...

indeed, i am tater tots.

how i feel

Maren Crashed
Originally uploaded by J.Bird.

i think i have my cold back. actually, i think it never really went away. it's different now though. exhaustion is once again the most prominent symptom, but it's more of a cough-y, sore throat thing instead of a nose-dripping-gallons-of-snot thing. i guess i'd prefer this since it means i don't have to have tissues permanently at the ready for fear of public outrage.

at the moment, i have plenty of work to do, but all i can think about is how much i want to be in bed right now. i actually laid my head on my desk momentarily and even over the incessant plink of my swatch, started to drift off.
**
so, my folks are planning to fly to texas tomorrow... is that dumb, or what? what kind of moron flies towards a category 5 hurricane? for a wedding, no less! granted they changed their flight plans such that they don't fly to houston today in favor of flying into san antonio tomorrow (the wedding is in middle-of-nowhere, tx), but is that much better? i mean there's going to be horrid travel conditions and a distinct possibility of losing power and potentially the roof overhead. it's like flying to baton rouge on august 28th... dumb.

in the trenches

i feel like i am awaiting rifle fire. it's less than two hours before
my first client in this placement, and i am quite nervous. i don't
really know what to expect. i spoke with her briefly on the phone,
i've seen her intake information, but none of that really tells me
who's going to be sitting in the waiting room and who's going to be
sitting here next to me in a matter of hours. am i going to be able to
help her? will we be able to connect in a meaningful way? will she
like me? will i like her? it's almost like a blind date -- though
she's probably better than most folks you meet that way because at
least she's admitting that she needs help. anyway, it's rather
nerve-wracking not knowing what to expect, so i get hung-up on things
like agency protocol and paperwork. will the client be billed
properly? how soon do i need to draw up the treatment plan? silly
stuff that has very little to do with the great unknown which is what
happens in this room when it's just the two of us.
**
in other news, we've had a couple of friends staying with us the last
couple of nights. it's been great catching-up, but given our insane
schedules (and the ridiculous number of people they have to visit while
in NYC), we've really only seen them for a total of about two hours.
it's impossible to catch-up on a years worth of stuff in two hours...
so we had to make do with discussions of family guy and the utter
hopelessness of the situation in new orleans. since doodle-bug and i
are both from houston, we made numerous comparisons with the great
hurricane of 1900 that bulldozed galveston and created the thriving
metropolis of houston, texas. surely, the only constant in life is
change.

oma's house

occasionally i just get overwhelmed by nostalgia. this morning as i was in my morning stupor i had this vague sense of having re-visited my oma's house at some point in my sleep. as my senses returned, i was reminded that the house was now owned by strangers and oma and opa were long since buried. lately, i've been thinking a lot about that house. it's the only physical structure i feel a strong emotional attachment to, the only place i visited consistently from birth till age 16, the home my mom grew up in and where she lived when she met my father -- and i imagine that today it would be changed beyond recognition. there are certain scents that exist in new york that bring to mind with clarity moments in that house. a waft of moth balls and oak, and i have visions of playing "restaurant" in opa's basement bar. crisp, fall air makes me think of helping oma with the gardening (or at least searching for fresh raspberries while she did so). i can easily imagine myself sitting on the red, vynil bench in the kitchen watching as oma shuffles about the stove cooking various wursts and tarts -- or if i was really lucky, spetzle. i can sense my feet not anywhere near reaching the floor. i can see opa sitting next to me with the paper while 1010 wins plays on the radio. it's not difficult to imagine myself lying in my basement bed, staring at the radiator on the cieling, waiting till i heard the creak of footsteps overhead to roust myself and see what's cooking. i remember thinking that the aqua toilet paper oma bought to match her aqua bathroom must have been as old as the house because where else could you buy aqua toilet paper except in the 1950s. my heart breaks a little when i realize that i'll never be able to share those experiences with my husband or my kids. that those experiences exist firmly in the past seems to require regular reminding. i feel like i should be able to go back and visit whenever i want, but i guess that's what memory is for...

sleep blogging

i think i might be dream blogging. my eyes are not really open and my body seems to be sending me messages that i am in bed. i think i'm really on the couch though because i just watched a pretty crappy episode of six feet under. i hope it gets better. mil and i are slowly catching up as the dvds come out. we're on season four i think. they just had some law and order type of episode where instead of doing anything interesting, david gets himself kidnapped by a hitchhiker. lame. i feel gypped. i don't watch six feet under to be like "no! stupid david! beat the sh*t out of that guy! friggin' drive away, you idiot!" i watch it to be like "jeez, clare, you knew he was an idiot in the first place, why are you sleeping with him?" "ruth, can you shut up already about the shit and the kyle? it's not winning you any points!" and "nate, come'on you barely even liked lisa, what are you doing moping about for a year. get over it. sleep with brenda already!" see? very different.

anyway, clearly this is a boring post. even i don't know what it's about, so i will end it with this, a quite from poi:

And you who say that in death we will pay,
The dead they can't hear a word that you say
Your words are not kind, sober or giving,
they only put fear in the hearts of the living
So put away your tongues and roll up your sleeves,
and pick up your shovel and bury me deep.

awakening

*

well, i may not be pretty (or showered, for that matter), but i made it through the majority of my new and improved schedule. since i am done with class and field for the week, i feel like i'm home-free. namely, i can once again wear shorts and not worry about offending anyone with my stench (purely because there's no one here in the lab to offend). though one week is far from a thorough analysis, i think i might, in fact, survive this year. i don't want to get excited -- well, because who the h*ll knows what will happen, say, next week, but this whole working & going to SW school seems almost doable at the moment. then again, i haven't had any papers to write or clients to see, so i really have no ground for that statement at all. i guess i'm just feeling good because my boss didn't freak out at all this week about my new schedule which i had been fully anticipating. so, anyway, yay!
**
i'm not sure how mil is doing because i only saw him for a few minutes this morning, and most of them were spent berating him for not waking me up in time. ("ung, honey, what time is it?" "8:20" "what!?!? i'm supposed to be at work at 9! why didn't you wake me up!?!?" "um, i didn't know." "oh, yeah, right....") maybe i should read his blog.
**
bird's not dealing with the new schedule well at all. she's started angrily plucking feathers from her back. she prefers to do this while she's on my shoulder, so i'll be sure to see how pissed she is that i'm not around during daylight hours. i'm not sure what to do about this whole situation. i love the bird (despite her many flaws), and i made a commitment to her when i bought her. at the same time, is it really fair for her to live in a home where she's by herself 80% of the time? i dunno... i dream of someday having a big aviary where she'll have friends and she can stretch her wings, but right now we don't have the money or space for either of those things. perhaps, she'll just have to suck it up like i am -- one year of hell for a chance of a better future. hmm.

happy 101st post, moosk!

so right now i feel like soup... full of liquid, vegetable-y soupiness... i guess that's what twelve hours of work feels like. it was actually a relatively easy day because it was my first. for instance, i got out at 7:45 instead of 8 (but, shh, don't tell my boss). i had my first supervision and got the full tour of the office (these are the filing cabinets, bob, key to the bathroom, jeff, your office, sally, etc.). i even called two clients to set up appointments for next week (i love having a waiting list!). last year i felt like a salesperson trying to unload useless wares on unsuspecting passerby... "don't talk to that lady -- she'll try to get you hooked on some time-sucking, non evidence-based, free psycho-mumbo-jumbo" i wouldn't have talked to me either. anyway, this new place has a waiting list -- meaning that people actually want to be there and want to pay for my psycho-mumbo-jumbo. well, not necessarily mine but someone at the clinic... and i happen to be the only one available. so there you go!

anyway, with the new schedule sleep is at a premium, so off i go...

it begins...

well, it went by fast, but i enjoyed my summer. i enjoyed having a flexible schedule and getting home before 6. i especially enjoyed waking up at 8:45 in the morning... i took full advantage of my boss's absence by bringing my bird to visit and meeting friends for lunch. i enjoyed being able to make doctor appointments and have weeknight cocktails without fearing for my job. needless to say, all of those fun and games are now over. classes began last week, and this week i start my internship (or "field" as we social work students like to call it). additionally, i have finally heard from professor #2. apparently, he is ready for me to start working for him this week. i guess this means i'll start looking forward to these days when i'm only working from 9-7 because they will be my short, quiet days. woo-hoo!

i know i don't have it too rough. i think mil has it worse. his classes are definitely more painful, and his schedule requires him to go back and forth between times square and the upper east side multiple times a day (with a backpack full of orgo and physics books, no less). i'm also beginning to see the glimmers of the end in sight. i now have less than a year of this work + school foolishness. (for all those twenty-somethings who are getting to that itchy place where you feel like school is the answer to your 9-5 drudgery, come talk to me, i will knock some sense into ya. school is not the answer, job change, perhaps, but not school.) my professor last week made mention of our impending job search (hallelujah!). i must admit it made me a little giddy. of course given my work situation, i have to wait a little longer than most students for that joy, but at least i've been given permission to think about it. (ah, life with a living wage... imagine that...)

the reason i mention this whole ridiculous schedule of mine is so that my two loyal readers will understand my growing absence from the blog. i will do my best to keep it going, but i make no promises. i'm even planning to hem down my blogroll to the mere necessities. scary, isn't it?
**

anyway, i won't bore you with any more school nonsense. who really cares about that anyway? we were blessed with a gorgeous weekend in the city. it was in the 70s with the sun shining and a pleasant breeze -- a little fall was in the air. while mil grew paler in the library, i joined some friends at the bronx zoo. after ten years in the city, i figured it was about time to see what all the fuss was about. it is actually quite beautiful. the sheer size of the place was astounding, and all of the animals had beautiful natural-looking habitats. the high point of the day was when my cheapness won me a free full-park pass. seeing how small moosk's entertainment budget is, it's easy to understand why i opted for the $12 "limited pass" (which apparently doesn't get you into much) versus the $21 full-park pass. unfortunately, all of my friends had purchased the extended pass, so i was s.o.l. when it came time for the gondola ride across the park. i was actually happy to walk, but my friends figured that they'd find me a way on via one of their tickets. when we got up to the ticket-taker and tried to explain why she should allow me to ride on my friend's full-park pass, she just handed me a full-park pass that had fallen on the ground. from that point on, no clever shenanegins or pitiful stories were needed, and i got to experience the pleasure of the gondola (and gorillas, and butterflies, and tigers) on the back of someone else's misfortune. the moral of this story is not to be cheap like me and hope that a full-park ticket falls into your lap, but to buy the full-park pass in the first place, so you can see more than a couple of monkeys and a camel.

yay spam!

sad that i'm leaving these little spam comments up because they make me feel like this place is happening...

btw, why "spam"? what happened to plain old
**
two lessons learned today:
1) email blogging works
2) html tags don't work on email blogs

oh, well, it's still pretty cool.

email post

let's see if this works... can i really send an email to my blog? that would be so friggin' sweet.

i've also added mil to my "blog team" in case he ever feels like adding to my blog. could be fun...

does anyone know how you can add the books you're reading to the template? i think that's really fun, though mine would get boring because i'd be showing the same book for years and years. for example, i am currently reading the source. so you ask, when, moosk, did you start reading the source? well, i think it was sometime around august 2003. yeah... you read right -- 2003. sad... but true. fortunately, i have read other books while the source has sat collecting dust underneath my nightstand, so it's not as pathetic as it seems, but most normal folks would give-up after two years.

if you could see me now...

you wouldn't stick around for long. i just went to the bathroom and i noticed that i have that lovely, i've-been-sick-for-days pallor, and that glassy-eyed look that comes from every orifice of my body leaking, not to mention the beauty of the red, swollen rudolph nose. yeah, combine these with the limp, scraggly nap hair, and you have a good image of me right now. a modern-day audrey hepburn, that's me. i'm now wishing i had that woman on the subway's shirt: brown-eyed beauty.

i think that sh*t's kind of funny, don't you? i mean if she were such a looker, would she need to announce it on her shirt? i mean unless she were wearing a bag over her head? makes no sense. at least those "flirt" shirts might be telling you something you don't know. i need a shirt that says: i look... and feel... like sh*t. yay!

anyway, i need a nap, so this is all i've got.

here's a photo from a better day... don't look too closely.

(sniff)

well, i have returned from the land of the midnight stars. yes, they have stars in vermont, and they are gorgeous. i had forgotten about those little lights in the sky. we don't get to see much of them around here.



i survived the wedding, and the bride had the wedding of her dreams. well, almost. the weather was beautiful despite early reports of weekend storms. the food, the music, the setting were all perfect. unfortunately, the bride's grandmother who has been confined to her home for the last couple of years but made the four (plus) hour trip to vermont anyway went into the hospital shortly before the rehearsal dinner. her declining health cast a shadow over the otherwise beautiful event, and i know it was hard for bride to leave for her honeymoon not knowing whether her grandmother would survive till her return. hopefully, her fears will prove unwarranted.

Here's a little peek at the gorgous garden bride chose for her wedding:


the best part of the weekend (for me) was the day after the wedding when i got to go down to the quarry and swim around in a swimming hole. (we don't seem to have those here in new york either.) i've now decided that if mil and i every get enough money together to buy a country house, we're doing it somewhere near a swimming hole. those things kick *ss. better than a beach because you can dive off cliffs and the water feels clean and clear. better than a pool because there are little fish swimming around and no chlorine to dry you out. anyway, i'm now an advocate for swimmingholes.org...
**
so, now here i am back at work. no stars to gaze up at or swimming holes to plunk down into. to add insult to injury i have a doozy of a cold that just started early this morning. blech. AND i had my first class of the fall semester... ooh, am i in for it.

though, as we've all been saying for the last week, it could be worse... so much worse.

gracias, damas

so first week of singlehood seems to be going relatively well thanks in large part to my lady friends. tuesday, astrophysicist, came by to make burritos with me, and last night, cat and crimson swung by for some yummy cheap eats. (thanks, metsfan, for parting with cat for a few hours there!) a good time was had by all, catching up on all things work, love, and family related. hopefully, this will remain ongoing throughout this sure-to-be-painful school year. lawd knows, i'll need it!
**
so, this weekend is the second to last wedding on my calendar. (woo-hoo!) it should be quite nice... vermont in september. no colors yet, but we should be in store for some brisk, breezy evenings -- a n ice break from the city humidity. in ncase your feeling a bit green, just remember that this is what i get to wear.

speaking of which, has anyone sold a bridesmaid dress on ebay? what's that ebay process like? not that i'm thinking about it for this dress... of course not. but you know, it might someday come in handy.
**
also, in moosk news, starting next week, my visits to the blogworld will likely be decreasing thanks to the commencement of the fall semester. fun, fun, fun. i'll do my best to substitute quality for quantity, but don't get your hopes up. i haven't managed quality yet, so i don't know how i'd learn now. old dog, new tricks, whatnot.

n'awlins

can ya'll believe what's happening in new orleans? it just seems to be going from bad to much, much worse. the reports from the area are staggering. in our little consumerist, gadget-loving paradise, it's impossible to believe that something like a hurricane can destroy one of america's great, historic cities. how quickly civilization devolves in the event of such a disaster is also mind-boggling. i still cannot believe that our great nation cannot cope with the displacement of half a million people. we can't feed our own people. we can't offer them a safe, sanitary refuge from the flooding. who are we? what the hell are we doing? i thought after 9/11 our country was supposed to be learning how to deal with large-scale national disasters?

listening to randi rhodes while i write, she makes a very good point. so, sunday, before the storm came, new orleans had a mandatory evacuation, but the question remains: how do you evacuate the poor people of new orleans when they have no cars and no access to an automobile of any type? hmm? how 'bout the sick people who are bed-ridden and can't leave their homes? planes and trains were diverted away from new orleans long before the hurricane struck leaving thousands tranded? anyway, obviously, i -- like most -- am still trying to get my head around what's happening down there... i'll let you know if i come up with any answers.

today's grunts

a) birds who insert themselves between me and whatever i'm doing
b) birds who track honey all over the apartment (and my clothes for that matter) due to grunt (a)
c) people in cars who yell curses at feeble-looking elderly folk as they're crossing the street
d) presidents who "fly over" a national disaster area (i remember when he did that here -- i knew we were in good hands from that point on)
e) bosses who get noticibly irritated when i prove unable to read their minds
f) conference calls

well, that's it for now. not too bad, really. any grunts you'd like to share?
**
on my way home from the grocery store today, i noticed this guy walking toward me. he was not a particularly attractive guy, late thirties, early forties, dark-ish complexion and the most icy blue eyes i've ever seen. the effect was quite creepy in a deranged killer sort of way, but i found that i couldn't look away. i was more than a little unnerved when he noticed my attention and looked back directly at me. i quickly averted my gaze and sped up my gait, leaving the scene quite perplexed.
**
i'm re-reading one of my favorite books, veronica. at first i couldn't recall exactly why it was at the top of my list. it moved a little slow, and i wasn't sure i was following all of the subtle little clues, but now that i'm more than halfway through, i am reminded. the plot is engaging -- a story of a young man who gets pulled into a dangerous world of magicians by a enigmatic woman named... well, you guessed it. the characters in this, his first novel, are a little flat, but what's most unique about the book is not the plot or the characters, but the way the author (primarily a poet) describes the magical landscape of new york. you get sucked into the fantasy in a very subtle way that you don't realize until you put the book down. anyway, i'm going to get back to it... if your reading list is needing some perking-up, though, i highly recommend it.

taking the cheap way out

so, for now, i am going to steal a large chunk of hilzoy's post from obsidian wings. it's one of my favorite political blogs because not only does it lean in my direction (though not fully), but the level of the discussion is so much higher than on most. no name-calling or cheap shots -- just facts and intelligent discourse. usually, i'm too much of a wuss to comment because i know most of the commenters are better-versed in the political discussion than i am. this post was particularly intriguing because it spoke of the historical events that shaped hilzoy's perception of foreign policy today -- interesting to me because most of these events happened prior to my birth. i am quoting the part where she discusses the lessons she learned living in israel during the 1980s.

before i quote hilzoy, though, i'd like to take a moment to offer up a link to the red cross in case anyone can make a donation on behalf of victims of katrina. though nothing close to what happened last december, this is still a loss of epic proportions.

ok, now onto the post:

living in Israel taught me a lot. First, I was there during the war in Lebanon. When I arrived, I concluded more or less instantly that I had to throw away all my previous thoughts about the entire region and start from scratch, so I just shut up and observed. Probably because of this, I went through one of those periods in which everyone decided that I was the person to whom they had to pour out their life stories. And some of the people who did this had come back from Lebanon. They hadn't been killed or wounded, obviously, but most of them had been horribly damaged psychologically. I also listened to people, both Israelis and Arabs, to whom something unforgivable had been done by people on the other side, and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how so much bad blood could ever be overcome. Lesson: war is always worse than you'd think. Always. No casualty figures begin to hint at either the damage or the long-term poison.

Second, I came to believe (rightly or wrongly) that there was at least a decent chance that if Israel had, from the outset, treated her Arab citizens as equals, and had not taken over the West Bank and Gaza (or, alternately, had taken over some small bits and given the rest back), that things might have worked out. But who could possibly blame Israelis, during the 50s, when they were dealing with survivors of the Holocaust and assimilating Jews from the Arab world, for not stopping to be that prescient? Not me. But I did conclude: always, always try to get things right at the outset, even if you have every reason to be preoccupied with other stuff. -- I didn't get anywhere near blaming the Israelis for this, as I said, but I thought: this is a lesson I want to try to bear in mind, for my own future use.

Third, I also believed that the Palestinian leadership had made a horrible mistake in choosing to engage in violence against Israel. A Gandhian approach, I thought, might very well have worked; at any rate, it would have been as likely to work in Israel as anywhere, especially since choosing it would have made the Palestinians seem a lot more likely to be good neighbors. Violence, by contrast, was attacking Israel at its strongest point, while throwing away the Palestinians' greatest asset, their moral case. As I saw it, the decision to engage in violence and terrorism was due partly to a lack of imagination and partly to the fact that when you feel aggrieved, you want to strike back, and anything else can feel like "being nice", or appeasement, or a failure of nerve. The lesson here was: do not trust those feelings, and do not assume that what looks like the most extreme solution to an extreme problem is in fact the best one. That Palestinian terrorism was wrong went without saying, to me; that it was also pragmatically stupid was an important lesson.

Fourth, I tended to think that the Palestinian leadership had been absolutely disastrous, and one of the disastrous things I noticed was this: that they had been running refugee camps (e.g. in Lebanon) forever, and yet instead of trying to raise kids who could actually be citizens of a country, they had raised them to be soldiers, and to settle things with Kalashnikovs and RPGs. This relates to the third point: one of the things I like about Gandhi is that he thought of political struggle as necessarily involving preparing yourself and others to be moral people, and citizens in a functioning country. One of the things I hate about bringing kids up to fight is that it makes the transition to their being ordinary citizens who settle their differences peacefully much, much more difficult than it has to be. I thought this was both immoral and desperately short-sighted. As before, I could see how people might think: this should not be our priority now; but I thought: oh yes it should.

Fifth, I came to believe that it was impossible to understand the Middle East without understanding the depth of humiliation of the Arabs. And not military humiliation, but cultural. I said something about that in a comment that was promoted to a post, long before I joined the hive-mind, here.

the stink

it's here. and, ooh, is it nasty. turns out, it is indeed "not the heat, it's the humidity." the stink on the streets of new york is at its most pungent. let's hope that fall is on its way, because i won't be living here much longer if it isn't. i need to start wearing perfume or something to mask the street stink. sometimes it's a urine-ish waft; other times it is just an unidentifiable, humid funk. blech. i'm hiding out in my apartment just to escape it (well, a/c doesn't hurt either).
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izzy pic of the day
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not much to say today. sorry. here's a funny little post from random_speak.

au revoir, mon amore

so, starting today, i am a single woman once again -- well, single in effect, not in spirit. mil starts his fall courses today, and that means between work and school i will probably only see him as "that lump" sleeping beside me. this semester he gets to enjoy the glory of physics, calculus II and... hold your breath now... organic chemistry. yes the unbridled joy that accompanies a whole semester of carbon-based compounds. i can sense the jealousy from here. anyway, even though i am really glad that i am not him, i am a bit sad to be me, too. because, as those who know him are well aware, mil is fun. he's entertainment in man-form. fortunately for him, i have a few friends... though most of them either work too hard, live too far away, or are busy making babies (or all three at once!). perhaps i will re-join my other single-lady friends, trolling the bars. then again, these days i seem to have more of an eye for cute toddlers than cute men (johnny depp, notwithstanding). sad, isn't it?
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in other news, the class of 2009 arrived on campus today in all their fresh-faced glory -- four years of government-loaned goodness has just begun! i temper my disbelief that it's been ten years since i had that look upon my face with the fact that someday (if they're lucky) these freshmen will be 28, too. they too will look upon the class of 2019 with the same kind of mixture of jealousy and disbelief that i have now. (let's just ignore for the moment the fact that I will be 38 when that occurs... please.)
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finally, here are a couple of articles i found interesting in my morning read:
- a nytimes op-ed piece underscoring how lame this "controversy" over evolution is
- an article about how differences of opinion are handled in w's army
oh yeah, and you should check out "the observatory" from last week's new york observer... it's priceless. (and a download, fyi)

thoughts on employee relations

i am starting to learn that as i age, i am not the only one who's changing. this fine saturday morning, i went to help an old friend/bride-to-be pick up her dress form a local bridal store. she hasn't asked much of me as her wedding approaches, so i was happy to help, but i hadn't spent much quality time with her in the last few years. it was fine overall, but i was somewhat surprised by her attitude toward her employees. she's still under 30, so she's a young boss with her own relatively new, but quite successful small company. she was telling me a rather entertaining story about how her friend (and other bridesmaid/bride-to-be) fell into the gap between the subway and platform while shuttling to her bridal appointment with her dress and manolo blahniks. her friend had asked her to join her at the hospital when she went to get stitches (after her fitting, of course), but my friend couldn't go because she had her own fitting, so she sent her assistant instead. granted she didn't tell her assistant that she had to go with her friend but asked if she would. if i were her assistant, though, i would have been royally peeved. you can't exactly say "no" to your boss, but you can resent her for the rest of your employ. being in the "assistant"category myself, i was quick to point out that i would have had interesting things to mutter under my breath if my boss had asked me to do such a chore. she seemed surprised... she felt that the assistant was freeing up her time which was more valuable for the company. i replied that that's fine, so should she do your laundry because that frees up more of your valuable time?

she then told me another story about another new employee. apparently, this employee was told when she was hired that my friend would be busy planning her wedding for the first few weeks but would later have a chance to train her and get her more involved. my friend was put off however when this new employee who spent most of the day cutting cards for the wedding, asked if she would be done by 6:30pm (yes -- 6:30!) because she had plans to go out with her boyfriend. i really didn't know how to respond. i was disgusted by my friend at this point. had she totally forgotten what it was like to be a grunt? i mean it's one thing if you told the employee when she was hired that she would be expected to do personal errands, but if not, then you are totally taking advantage of your situation as the employer. yuck!

so i ask you, am i over-reacting? should employees of small firms be expected to run personal errands for their boss? (i'm still bewildered by the whole idea that my friends have assistants.)

lucky moosk

i'm sure i've mentioned this before, but i'm totally spoiled rotten. i was pretty spoiled by my folks growing up, but it was nothing like the spoiling i get from good ole mr. moosk. take for example last night. last night i encountered a strange chirp coming from a tree near our apartment building. after several minutes of staring into the summer foliage, i finally notices a sweet-looking cockatoo hollering out to passerby. not being your normal bird kook, who might spend a couple of minutes whistling toward the avian in an idiotic attempt to call the bird down, i proceeded up to my apartment where i quickly gathered my pink-feathered friend and an old bag of millet (like ice-cream for birds). rushing back down, i dial mil in an attempt to get a number for animal rescue/humane society. he kindly obliges -- unfortunately both close at the ridiculous hour of 4pm. so what does moosk do? she stands on the busy street corner making painfully poor attempts at whistles and throwing handfuls of millet in the general direction of the winged miscreant. the bird of course makes no notice, so i feed a handful of millet to the obliging izzy in an attempt to show the miscreant how yummy said millet is. izzy proceeds to draw attention of all the locals (both homeful and homeless, young and old, english-speaking, not english-speaking) while creating copious quantities of bird-crap with which to decorate my white skirt and brown t-shirt. where does mil come into this whole insane moosk picture? well, not only did he provide useless humane society contact information, but when he came home (an hour after i took up the "escaped cockatiel rescue mission") he actually didn't pretend not to recognize me, but offered a quick peck and stood on the corner with me long enough to convince me that it was a lost cause -- and that we were both hungry. he rocks, doesn't he? funny ending to the cockatiel story: the bird was still there this morning, but as soon as he spotted me, he flew off to parts unknown. hopefully, he's not hawk food.

another reason mil is awesome, is that he cleaned all of the dishes after i decided i had to make an extremely messy version of asparagus risotto. fortunately, it was quite yummy as well.

the third example of mil's beneficence is from this morning when he woke up at 7:45 to start clearing the corner for our new piece of furniture (kindly dedicated by those other moosk-spoilers, my folks). moosk meanwhile was still well esconced in various shades of sleep. mil has also spent the last hour and a half waiting for said piece of furniture to be delivered and is now spending the last few minutes before his hospital stint reconnecting computers, modems, printers, etc. yeah, he pretty much rocks.
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i am currently enjoying:

did you know that there are precisely seven squggles on hostess cupcakes? i didn't.
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the ever-expanding list of places that i want to visit... someday:
- vietnam
- australia
- new zealand
- vancouver
- toronto
- seattle
- amsterdam
- hawaii
- buenos aires
- st. lucia
- japan (tokyo very briefly, mostly countryside)
- hong kong
- panama
- spain
maybe i'll make virtual trips to each once a week... what do you think?
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final note for the week: what do you guys think about mil and i combining blogs? i think it might be fun, but who knows? weigh-in here.

so, lately i've noticed that there's this weird phenomenon where some blog readers give some blog writers gifts. is it just me, or is that really weird? i've never been looking for new people to give gifts to? between all of the weddings in the past year, i'm lucky if i can give gifts to people i actually know. why is it now customary to send gifts to fellow bloggers who happen to be having a baby? i just noticed last night that one of the bloggers i read got a nursing stool (or some such thing) from another blogger i read. doesn't that seem a bit much for someone who refers to you as "miss doxie"? i guess it's just me. (needless to say i will be posting my baby registry on my blog as soon as i get knocked-up -- you know... just in case).
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you know how i started this blog because i was starting to feel old. well, some things just make me feel even older. i mean these are the people i'm going to run into on the steps or see in my hallway. mere babes...
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things i still like even though i'm old: poi dog pondering, veronica, u2, rollerblading, birds, showgirl (friends since preschool), msjudo, (elementary school), and garnet (high school).

tardiness

sometimes i bug myself. i am habitually late, and i don't always like it. i want to be one of those people who can wake up at 7am and feel happy and refreshed. instead, i'm one of those people who rolls out of bed at 8:45 (though really closer to 9am) only because if i don't i will pee in my precious bed. once i'm out of bed, things are slightly better, but i still don't move quickly. first, i go to the bird's cage and let in the first rays of lilght. i'll pop open the door and invite izzy out to stretch her wings. after that five minute affair, i'll head to my laptop where i'll proceed to check my email and the weather. if there's nothing interesting in the inbox, this will usually only last a minute or two. where i am most preternaturally slow is the whole shower thing. i usually bring my bird into the bathroom with me where she has her own special shower perch. this means that throughout the shower and drying off experience, i am sprinkling her with water or scratching her fuzzy little head. after the shower itself, izzy will hop onto my towel in hopes of getting dried off (not that this is negotiable, as she will scratch my eyes out or shriek until i'm deaf if i don't). fortunately, it is incredibly cute -- though quite time-consuming.


once she is satiated that i have adequately dried her, i am allowed to dry myself, but this does not mean that i can do so in peace. while i go through my assortment of toners, moisturizers, and hair gels, izzy is often pecking at the floor mat or knocking items into the sink. mil often wonders why i even let the bird into the bathroom while i shower, but i tell him that it would be cruel not to. on weekdays, she only gets a few hours of freedom a day -- how can i take some of those minutes away from her? the truth is that, i love the distraction. distraction is my favorite thing. if i didn't have the bird to distract me, i'd probably bring a book into the shower with me or at least a wet tunes radio. it's my innate ability to be easily distracted that makes it so hard for me to be on time. usually, i'm quite accepting about this not-so-good part of myself, but today, i was not. i had totally forgotten that despite the fact that my boss would be out of town, the copier guys was coming to do maintenance on our machines -- at 10am! i of course didn't remember this until 10:05, when i was still at home goofing around with my bird! aragh! anyway, after sufficiently brow-beating myself, i called the maintenance guy and rescheduled for this afternoon. i hate eating crow...

plttht!

sometimes things just suck. one thing that sucks is finding out that you didn't get into an internship program that you had your heart set on. another thing that sucks is having someone you love more than anyone else find out that he didn't get into a program that he had his heart set on. to that, i say, "plttht!" with all of the spit and slobber it implies.

august reverie

mmm... salt & vinegar chips... i've had a hankerin' for these for the last few weeks and have finally found my fix. does the fact that they're "sea salt" make them better for me? i hope. 'cause i'm eating a lot of them. mm..mm..mmmm....


ok. now i've forgotten what i was planning to write about. do you remember? maybe it was about the weekend... mil and i went rollerblading yesterday. he went around the park four times...

...this is near the end of his third lap (when i joined him).

we spent the rest of the day vegitating (and eating taco bell), but we felt that we were entitled given we'd already gotten some exercise and fresh air. it was also about 150% humidity yesterday, so who really wants to be out in that?

i also finally saw "march of the penguins" on saturday. baby penguins are *officially* the cutest animals on earth. can you deny it?

we also watched ungodly amounts of "coupling". phew, is that a good show. if you haven't watched it, you must. at first mil and i weren't sure what all the hype was about, but once we hit the "giggle loop" episode, we were hooked. not sure how anyone thought an american version would work though... why is america like that? anything that's good must be reworked for maximum profitability -- even if that means that it's no longer good.

the fella and i also found ourselves in the fortunate position of having several of our closest friends depart their chosen borough just to hang out with us. we chucked our no-take-out rule, and plugged in the scene-it. despite my inability to remember anything from any movie, it was a fun evening. i also had the rare opportunity to watch someone else fall unconscious during a social activity. this was awesome because...well... it's usually me.

boring bird

well, my boss came in for about 2 minutes today, and for the first time i was actually really happy to see him. i've been so tired and lazy these last few weeks that i've actually been boring myself. (blah, blah, house, blah, blah, politics... i know you're feeling it too.) he didn't actually have a lot for me to do (hence my speedy return to the blog world), but i enjoyed the two minutes of intellectual stimulation.

just one question: does this mean i like work?