momentary dispair

izzy 1
Originally uploaded by atb20.

for a while there, i had myself convinced that i was making it all work... the school, the internship, the work. i was worse for the wear, but i was doing it. i was going to have an msw without the crippling student loans and then, next fall, i could rest. then yesterday i got an email from my boss... it was a simple, pleasant email -- just checking to see why he received a charge for a hotel he didn't stay at. somehow this little, one-sentence email sent me into dispair because despite the fact that he cancelled this trip months before he was supposed to take it, i entirely forgot to cancel his hotel reservation, forgetting, in fact, that i ever made a hotel reservation. will this omission cost me my job? likely not. what it cost me was my sense of capability, my sense that i was superwoman (as my pajamas told me i was) and i could keep all these balls in the air without diminishing my performance at any one of them. what's frightening is that this omission happened over a month ago when i was still functioning at a higher level. at this point, my back aches, my head aches, i haven't exercised in years, and i have this cold or allergy or something that keeps me permanently stuffed up. on top of all this, i think i've seen mil all of five hours this weekend. he works till 8:30pm friday night, gets up for a 9am dentist appointment on saturday and comes home from studying at 8pm while i'm out at a play with a friend. this morning he awoke at 6:30am to get to his first MCAT prepcourse which will keep him out of the house till after 4pm. i don't know how he's doing it, but the fact that he's even busier than im just makes me feel worse. i want my weekends to be a release from my busy work week. i want to be able to make plans to see friends or go apple-picking upstate or see my folks and know that my favorite person will be able to do those things with me. instead i have to choose: do i make no plans so i can see mil for the few minutes that he's home or do i make plans and miss him when he has a brief break from his busy schedule? i sound so selfish when i write this because i know he's even busier than i am and therefore things are likely much more difficult for him (hell, he doesn't even have the luxury of that choice), but some days i just feel like roadkill, and as empathetic as i try to be, i can't help feeling sorry for myself.

tomorrow's another day, though. and i like to believe it can only get better...